Yes, another post for today. I just have to share this.

Please click here to see what I am commenting on

On that blog that I just linked to, she says "Wow this is so selfish. Why do people in relationships feel like they have to be the sole provider and keeper of their partner’s happiness? I truly just do not understand this phenomenon."


Amen, sista, is what I have to say to that.


Even if you are monogamous, being the sole provider and keeper of your partner's happiness is a fallacy. There are lots of other things than just your partner that make you happy in life. Your friends (maybe they're male, maybe they're female), your family, your pets, your hobbies, movies, music, etc. etc. If you look at it that way, would people still be saying they're their partner's sole provider and keeper of their happiness? Probably not.


Perspective, people.

I've had 2 dates in the past week. With different people. Neither was one I really felt any "spark" with. But I didn't have any expectations going into it, really, so it's all good.

I've been really busy lately, yet I've been feeling pretty lonely, in a weird way. But at the same time, I think about relationships and just want to crawl under a rock. Dating sucks. It's hard. It's like going on job interviews. There are reasons I just don't do it. I just kind of want to wait and let it come to me, but that doesn't really get you anywhere, either. Maybe it's because I'm just not looking that hard right now, and the past few times I've actually tried being in a relationship, it's just been too much for me, emotionally and physically. It exhausts me. Relationships are time consuming, and can be stressful, and are really fun, but there aren't enough hours in the day for work, my life, and a relationship - let alone more than one relationship if that were ever to happen. I don't know how people do it. 

I guess I'm not really ready to sacrifice my life to anyone right now. I like getting up at 6am with 8 hours of sleep behind me, as weird as that sounds. I like not having to impress someone day in and day out. I like having my schedule and doing what I want with my time and not have to juggle someone else's schedule, too.

But, as I said, it gets lonely. Sometimes you just want to cuddle with someone, and feel loved. Cats can only go so far in that regard.

I don't really know what I'm doing wrong. Or what I'm doing right. Or actually, what I'm doing at all.

 

Freedom or Relationship: Which is better? Or is it better to have something in between? 

Well, it's day 6 of my yoga challenge. I have done yoga at least 15 minutes every day since last Thursday.

I actually realized I have done yoga every day since last Tuesday, so it's technically day 8, but it was Wednesday that I decided I would do it every day, and then did it the next day and have done it every day since.

Technicalities aside...

I'm feeling great. I'm still tired in the mornings, I still get to work and want to crawl back to bed, but maybe that has more to do with work than it does with being tired. Anyway, I feel like my muscles are getting more toned, my technique is getting stronger and better, and I think it is helping with self esteem and somewhat with the fatigue. Mentally I definitely feel better. I can wait for the physical to catch up.

(I wish I could do this)

I went to a meet and greet/discussion that is held once a month for poly women. I brought up the topic about how I don't know if I could determine I wanted to be polyamorous or monogamous with a person when I first start dating them, because you're not really exclusive at the beginning anyway (usually), you don't know how long you're going to date, and you don't know what kind of dynamic is going to develop if you do continue dating and form a relationship. I think some people might think that sounds crazy, that polyamory has to be a requirement from the beginning and you can't date someone who wouldn't want to be polyamorous. I see that to a certain extent - you would want to know that they would be open to talking about it, but I don't think I want to go into a situation being like "you must be polyamorous, or else!"

But that brings up the question...Do you mention it earlier in the relationship? Like, first date? Or after a little while of dating? We talked about that last night, too, and I think the responses to that question were mixed. Some people think it's better to say it right away, maybe to "weed out" the people who aren't going to be comfortable with that. Then you can know if someone is at least open to talking about it later. If they are not even open to the idea, then you know right away. But my therapist thought if you go into a dating situation, while you're still casual, you can get to know the person and what their personality is, what their thoughts about life in general are, what their morals and values are, and then know a) whether or not you think you want to take the next step, or b) whether or not they would be open to something like polyamory.

I don't know which one I agree with. I guess you have to feel out each situation.

I haven't had a whole lot of drama in my life lately, so I haven't had any really emotional posts. I like my quiet life, honestly. I sometimes get lonely, but I like having the freedom to do whatever I want (outside of work, I guess), see my friends when I want, stay home when I want, hang out with my cats when I want, go for walks when I want, do yoga first thing when I wake up if I want...I'm not trying to juggle another person in my life. While I do like the idea of dating and eventually being in a relationship again, I like my independence. The next time I start heading down the relationship road, I think I will have to just remember that and always stay true to that. The person I'm dating will just have to understand, I guess. Especially at first when you're not committed yet.

Someone yesterday said she had heard the phrase, "Be your own primary." I like that. I want to be my own primary.

I have seen this graphic before, but it's on the "Sex at Dawn" website as an excerpt from the book. I haven't gotten this far in the book, if it does indeed appear there. But it's really, really interesting. There are so many options to love and relationships, yet we all think we know what's best, especially for other people, instead of just letting them do what they want as long as they're not hurting anyone...

I just find it really interesting.

I haven't gotten very far in "Sex at Dawn," but it's already got me thinking, mostly about how everything we learned in school is apparently wrong, and I could see that. They mention that the popular view about female sexuality is that women just aren't that interested in it, which we all know is wrong. But, I think about myself and I'm like "I dunno, I don't have to have it every day or anything, there are days when I never think about it," but apparently men have constant boners and can't stop thinking about it (I'm exaggerating). So, I'm like, "If it's wrong that women aren't interested, then why am I just not interested most of the time?" I love sex, I really do, but it's not my goal every day to get laid. (And I'm not saying it is for guys, either...)

But anyway, because I haven't gotten too far in the book yet, I can't really have an opinion on all of it yet. It's kind of complex, but it's super interesting.

P.S. Sorry the type on the graphic is so small...It's the only version I could find...But I just discovered if you click on it, it gets a *little* bigger.

Update: I found a bigger graphic. This time if you click on it, it should be really easy to read.

Update to my update: Never mind. If it's embedded, it stays small. Here's a link to it BIG

But first...

Where I live, there are a lot of homeless people. A LOT. And I try to have compassion for them and I realize that they have it really hard, and I can't really imagine or understand what they're going through, so I'm not going to pretend I do. But...They stink. Some of them are better than others. But there is a particular hobo who has been hanging around on the main street outside my apartment building, in various places. And he is the worst smelling homeless person my nose has EVER had the un-previledge of sniffing. The poor guy obviously hasn't had a bath in possibly years, or at least months. His hair is totally matted, and his smell spreads to a six-foot radius around him, I swear. I have been almost a block away and been able to smell him. And my heart really goes out to him, but when my nose comes across something my brain doesn't like, I can't really argue with that. It's biological. We don't like the smell of rotten food because our bodies are telling us not to eat it, because it could be dangerous. Same with smelly homeless people. Your brain is telling you: Don't eat them.

I'm kidding of course. About the eating. But seriously...Don't.

Anyway, he came into the cafe where I am sitting, and I had to go to the bathroom because I just couldn't stand the stink. Why do I feel kind of bad about that?

In other news, I've been reading various books lately. Among them are "Discover the Power Within You" by Eric Butterworth (sounds totally corny, but it's really great, and it puts the Bible and Jesus in a totally different light than your average Christian texts - disclaimer: I am not Christian, but I feel a connection to Christ consciousness, just not based on what is normally taught about Jesus), "Mary, Called Magdalene" by Margaret George, "50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food" by Susan Albers, Psy.D.; and now "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. That's a lot of books. My brain is a sponge, it loooooooves information. (I try to fill it with the "right kind," as in the kind that is well studied and what makes sense to me, and I think I'm a pretty rational person, not when it comes to all things - like my emotions - but for the most part.) I just picked up "Sex at Dawn" today, but it's been on my list for a while. Apparently it's a staple if you're interested in polyamory, so I'm giving it a try.

  

My therapist asked me recently what my attraction to polyamory is. And she asked if I was attracted to the idea of keeping my sexual options open, or if I like it because the person I'm dating potentially won't get bored and leave me because they have their options open, too. I'm not sure if I should feel offended by that question or not. I don't think she meant it in an offensive way at all, but maybe she doesn't really understand polyamory? She doesn't have a problem with it, she doesn't judge me for being interested in it...at least, if she is, I can't tell. I have a fear of people leaving me, and when someone breaks up with me, it's like I take it personally. So you would think being polyamorous would do the opposite to me, it would make me more freaked out that someone is going to leave me, because if I'm not stopping them from seeing other people, what's stopping them from leaving all together? (Then again, that is the case in any relationship, monogamous or not.)

With my recent boyfriend, I started freaking out when I realized that we didn't have a committed relationship like I thought we did. And I wasn't freaked out that he was going to leave me FOR the other girl he started dating, but I was comparing myself to her like crazy. But anyway, I wasn't actually scared that he would leave me for her. I guess the thought crossed my mind, but it had way more to do with ME than it did with HER (except the fact that I was comparing myself to her). And that's when I realized that my self esteem needed some major work. (OK, I knew it before, but this was the Janga piece that ended the game, I guess.)

If I have ever been attracted to it because of what my therapist suggested, it hasn't consciously crossed my mind. The reason I was interested in it in the first place was because I am attracted to girls, and it would be denying a part of me for someone to say "you're in a relationship only with me, and you cannot act on your attraction to women."

But it occurred to me...I don't need to be in a polyamorous relationship for this. There are lots of people out there who are basically monogamous but with bisexual people who are fine with their partners seeing someone of the same sex. Or at least, they're willing to try it. I'm sure it puts a strain on a relationship, and maybe the polyamory idea makes more sense to me because the person I am in the relationship with would "get it." Then, of course, I'd have to accept the possibility that they would start dating someone else as well, and that could be a real challenge for me, apparently.

I also thought about the idea of being in a committed relationship with someone before opening the relationship, and how that makes more sense to me because there's at least some stability in the commitment. I understand any relationship can end for any reason (death, falling out of love, whatever), but at least there's a commitment between the two people for the time being. I think it would reassure me when things get rough or when my jealousy comes up. And when my recent boyfriend started dating someone else, a polyamorous person I know asked me if I was getting what I needed out of the relationship. And I realized I wasn't, because I wanted that committed relationship, and he didn't. He started dating someone else before we had even had a chance to build that commitment, but he didn't even want to be committed to me, whereas I could have been with him.

At this point I'm just blabbering and getting my thoughts out. There's no real structure to this post, no conclusion, no offering of hope, no solutions, just...thoughts. If I come to any conclusions about all this, I will share it with you.

P.S. If you would like to get weird or interested or confused or intrigued looks, put a book called "Sex at Dawn" on the table next to you in a cafe.

Sitting at a table not quite outside but next to a big open window at a cafe, eating a scrumptious just baked butter croissant (ahhhhhhhh, yum...hopefully my stomach won't hate me later), sipping a decaf, and things are good. The barista, who is really cute I have to add, gave the woman in front of me in line her drink and said, "Something something AmeriCANo," like tuna can or soda can, not like Genghis Khan. Then he turned to me and said in a singsong voice, "I am...too weird...for this job..."

Barista guy at JJ Bean on 6th and Commercial, if you're reading this, you're cute. Let's go out.

(Uh oh, I just gave away my approximate location...So much for staying anonymous.)

Actually, on the subject of anonymity, I've decided to open this blog up to my Facebook community...And I still retain the right to say whatever I want. I'll try to leave the personal comments (as in, about other people) to a minimal.

In other news, yesterday, I had a sobfest. Just broke down, fell on the floor, beat my fists on the floor, the whole shebang. Haven't had one of those in a long time. It sucked, but it also felt good. I recommend it to everyone.

(This was me)

During the sobfest, I was obviously really upset, thinking about certain happenings in my life, screaming "Why me? Why me?" like Nancy Kerrigan after being hit in the leg with a crowbar:

My cat, Jack, curled up next to me on the couch and purred and snuggled up and I wished that humans could be like animals, loving unconditionally. What is it about humans that makes us think we deserve something in return for love? I'm guilty of it, too, I know this. And I'm not saying we don't deserve something in return for love, but...instead of just letting go and letting God (I can just sense some people cringing at this, but, whatever), and accepting love and not expecting anything in return, we scream and cry and rage when we don't get what we want out of love.

That's what I was doing, that's for sure. Can I imagine myself loving unconditionally? Not a chance. I hate to admit that, but it's true. Maybe someday, when I'm no longer human. In another life, when I am a cat.

(P.S. I'm sorry for the ugly lines above, I can't figure out how to make them go away...)

"Thank you for calling Your Relationship, please hold..."

Tom, formerly known as my boyfriend, and I have decided to put our relationship "on hold." That basically means we are broken up until further notice. He was going through some issues, and I am going through some issues. He and I are on different pages in terms of what we want out of a relationship. He wants to date around, and I've gotten that out of my system. It's not that I don't want to date around, but I'd be ok with developing a more serious relationship with someone, and that's not where he is at this point on his life's path.

Maybe we'll get back together in the future. Maybe we won't. It could take him years to get to the point where he wants to be more serious with someone. By that time, I might not be even in the picture anymore. I may have found someone else, or there are a whole myriad of other things that could happen. (Though, I do have to say, if we did come to a point where we thought we could be in a relationship again...Thank the universe for polyamory, right? That is, if that's where I am at that time...) There may be no possibility of having that kind of relationship with each other.

And strangely, I'm at peace with that. Normally I would be freaking out, really depressed that this didn't work out, I would wonder what's wrong with me. I'm not doing that, not right now, at least.

We talked about still keeping in touch, because we do really care about each other and want to see the other get better. (Without giving away too many details, an event in his life triggered some emotional hardships and kind of shook him up; I am dealing with health problems of various sorts, depression, anxiety, and self esteem issues that go back really far and are very deep rooted). At this point, I think we could even get together in between and just be friends and check in with each other. That thought actually makes me happy.

I have to admit, though, there is a little bit of hope inside of me that this could work out someday. He said last night that he thinks hope always has an expectation. I don't actually agree. I think hope is leaning more towards the possible positive outcome, but knowing that there is an equal chance of it not happening that way. I mean, we say, "I hope I don't miss my bus," but we know there's an equal chance that we will. Or, "I hope we can get back together in the future," but there's an equal chance that we won't. Or maybe I'm just pessimistic and seeing this in a pessimistic way, but it makes sense to me.

Either way, it's time for me to focus on my life and the things I need to change and work on. It's time to see my friends, meet new friends, write (every day!), work on my crafts with a friend of mine, meet with my pagan group, get healthy, exercise, raise my self esteem (or at least learn to treat myself with esteem, as my therapist says), lose weight, and be in the friggin moment.

That's right. The friggin' moment. Booyah.

So...


Here's what's been going on in my life so that you have a sense of where I am right now.


I have been dating someone for about 2 months, almost 3. Let's just call him Tom. Before this, I had been single for 2 years, and hadn't had sex in 1. I was actually doing just fine like that, albeit a bit lonely. I moved to this city after getting a work permit and wanting to be somewhere new and really find myself. That sounds horribly cliche, but it's the truth.


So, I started going to a meetup, and met Tom there. We had a few exchanges before he asked me out. And things have been rather rocky, and it's not because I don't like him or want to be with him.


It's because I wanted to be with him too much. This is what happens in all my relationships. I get attached really quickly, and soon I feel like I'm in love. (Hands up, ladies, if this sounds familiar.) I mean, it had been a month and a half and I was already there.


Or was I really?


I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now, and she's great. She actually told me that I should be writing to work through things. She reminded me that you can be with someone, have fun, go out, have sex even, and it's not necessarily love. (Wait...YOU CAN??? Why hadn't anyone told me this before? No, seriously, I just don't know if I've ever felt this because I get attached so quickly.) 


But she also reminded me that women nurture, and we care. And not very long into this relationship, my boyfriend experienced something that turned his world upside down for a bit, and his problems with anxiety that he has had for years came back (I guess they come and go and are triggered by trauma sometimes). So what did I do? I nurtured. I took care of him. And I thought I was in love because through that, we felt more connected.


I'm not saying we weren't connected on a deep level. My boyfriend even said at one point he thought he was falling for me (in response to me saying I was in love with him). And recently he told me he had changed his mind, basically.


See...From the beginning, we've had an open relationship. He started dating another girl, and I went nuts. I thought I was ready to handle it, but I was having a very hard time with it. There are deep rooted issues inside of me from the past that are keeping me from being able to let go and not be possessive of the person I'm dating (I'm not saying that people who are in open relationships never have these feelings, but I think there are people out there who are way better at managing them than I am at this point). And it wasn't just that I was jealous or worried he would leave me or anything like that. 


I realized that I lost myself. I thought we had a strong connection, but I was also investing too much of myself in it. And I thought we had a committed relationship. And I was wrong. He wants to "play the field" and he's not at the point of loving me yet. I'm not sure what changed his mind, but it changed.


And I realized that when I am in a relationship, that is my identity. It is a part of me. And that is not really a good thing, because...when something goes wrong, if we break up, I feel like a part of me has died. It sounds so horribly romantic, and that's the problem. We've grown up, as women, in this society that tells us we can have our knight in shining armour, that we'll be swept away and always protected, that as long as we have that person, we'll be ok. It's a total bullshit fantasy. Instead of teaching us that we are ok, and we will be ok, and it will be hard, but we will survive, we learned that we can't be ok on our own. And this socialization has become such a deep part of me that this leads to all these problems.


That's not to say that some women who have been socialized this way don't have wonderful experiences with their boyfriends, husbands, spouses, girlfriends, wives, whatever. Because there are plenty of people out there who are doing just fine with their "significant others" (I like saying that more than "better half"). And I know they have had realizations about themselves, whatever it may be, that have changed their worlds and rocked their boats. Because we all do.


In any case...The fact that I have such high expectations in my relationships, coupled with all these bad experiences I've had with guys in the past (and I'm sure you'll hear about them sometime, reader), has suddenly become totally apparent to me. And I need to go through the pain to heal from it.


So my boyfriend and I are taking a break. And I want to step back, rein everything in, go on dates, have fun together but not get serious, and take it easy. This is going to be extremely hard for me to do, but it's necessary. I have to believe that if things don't work out, I will be ok. My identity won't be damaged. I will still have all my parts. All my fingers, toes, my whole heart.


And it's also necessary for me to dig into these places deep down so that I can try this polyamory thing, really try it with all of its emotional components and crazy moments, but without feeling like the world is going to end when things are rocky. (There will be more about polyamory later.)


Thanks for reading my first post. If you've read this far, I'd love a comment, anything at all, so that I know people are actually reading! Thanks! :)