This makes me wonder why I'm still at my job:

Especially the "I choose...to be useful, not used" part.

I have half a mind to put in my 2 weeks notice today.

Well, it's day 3 of "let's keep shoving the review of your review into the indefinite future," meaning, it happened twice last week and has happened again. It has become clear to me that I am not important to this company, and I am questioning why I should stay here any longer. Right now, I am the only one in the office and I have half a mind to leave and never come back. I am fed up with being ignored, promised things that aren't delivered, and basically, everything about this job. Apparently, they don't need me, otherwise they would be giving me a raise in a timely fashion, they would be excited to do my review with me for said raise, they would give me more work to do, and they would basically respect me as a worker and a human being. While they are not being outright disrespectful, they are pulling my chain, and I am fucking sick of it.

I was told by my boss on Thursday that I "need to stop stressing" about the review of my review (background story: my boss was supposed to do a review with me after 3 months of working full time, and it got pushed back and pushed back until the executive assistant finally did it. Now I'm supposed to be talking to my boss about that review, and here we are now). I thought that was extremely inappropriate because a) I am not stressing, I am just annoyed, and b) It was obvious the executive assistant texted my boss after I heard that it would be rescheduled again, I said to the assistant, "I'd like this to happen sooner rather than later because it's been rescheduled twice already" and she started getting snippy and saying "this is out of my hands." I understand it is, and I even said, "I'm not saying this is your fault or you're doing anything wrong, I'm just saying I hope it happens soon." Then my boss says I need to stop stressing, so of course, he was told what I said by the assistant. It's very high school.

I was also told a few weeks ago that if I were not here, they would just hire a Canadian to do my job. This was because I found out that they are taking 15 months to process applications for permanent residency, and I can't apply until January of next year, and my work permit expires September 1st of next year, which means they would have only 9 months to process it if I were to stay in the country, otherwise I have to go back to the States, or I would automatically change to visitor status and not be able to work, or my job would have to write them a letter saying that by having me work for them, they would not be denying a job to a Canadian national. Hence, the accountant (who is also a semi-manager-supervisor-person of mine) saying "well, if you weren't here, we would just hire someone else."

So, obviously, they can just hire someone else. No problem.

So why am I so freaked out about leaving? Why am I not just walking out of here? Why am I not quitting?

I don't know. I guess it would make this whole work permit and applying for permanent residency thing more complicated if I didn't have any work in between. Which sounds like I should look for another job, go on interviews, and then quit when I have something else lined up. That means that I would have 3 employers to put down on my permanent residency application, but I guess that isn't such a big deal.

But part of me really wants to just get up and leave and not come back. I could say I'm not feeling well today and go home, and I'm sure no one would bat an eye. I could go home and start looking for jobs. In fact maybe I will do that.

I guess it just sucks when you have to end things. Quitting a job sucks. And I guess I don't really have to do it, but it means putting up with their bullshit for however long I do decide to be here. Do I want to go through that? Do I want them to keep stringing me along, hoping that something will finally happen? I have already tried to express my concern and I have either been ignored, or I've been told I need to "stop stressing." I have a feeling that's what's going to keep happening. So why should I keep putting myself through it? Just to have the convenience of a job that I'm starting to hate? I don't know if that makes sense anymore, for my sanity.

I don't know what to do.

OK for once I am actually NOT tired. This has been a good week in terms of fatigue, and that could be due to the fact that I've exercised pretty much every day. Except I may not today. I really need to cook and do laundry. Maybe I can dance around the kitchen while I cook or something.

My life has been good, honestly. But, I warn you, there will probably be some moaning in the paragraphs ahead.

My period is about to start, so I feel like crap. Whenever it's about to start, the day, or two days, before it does, I start feeling reeeeeal bad about myself. I start looking at other girls and comparing myself to them and seeing all my faults. Like today, I feel fat. My stomach is pooching out too much. Woe is me. I also start looking at my own life and finding everything that is wrong with it. "My life isn't going anywhere, my boyfriend doesn't compliment me as much as I wish he would, I don't want to do this job anymore, I wish I could be more flexible in my work, I wish I were a writer, I wish I had more time to write, I don't have enough money to do the things I want to do, I don't have enough time to do what I want to do." Etc. etc. etc. It just spirals down from there.

Then I start thinking about those memes. You know, like this...

...Of course I go on Google trying to find an example and there's, like, nothing. WTF?

OK, like this:

Or this:

OK granted I really like those quotes, and any other day I would be like "yay, I'm going to print that and put it on my bathroom mirror so I see it every day!" (Do I ever do this? No...) But on the day before it's time to surf the crimson wave, I'm like, "FUCK YOU INSPIRATIONAL MEME. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME. MY LIFE ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE, MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T COMPLIMENT ME AS MUCH AS I WISH HE WOULD, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS JOB ANYMORE" (insert the rest of my aforementioned list here).

What is up with my hormones? I know this happens to, like, everyone else who gets their period. But for me, it's the day or two before it starts, then I get it and I feel bloated and tired and like I want to eat all the junk food on planet Earth, but I don't feel all bad about myself. It's just the day(s) before. So weird.

Does anyone know what happens to our hormones in our bodies when we're about to get our periods? Would be interesting to find out.

Anyway, right now, I feel like I'm stuck. I'm at a dead end job, and I don't take the initiative to change that (like, sitting down and fracking writing something so I can try to get published). Don't get me wrong, when I have things to do at work, I like my job. But lately, I've been sitting there...staring at the screen, bored...Actually, even if I have things to do, I don't want to do them.

Where's my motivation? What killed it? What do I do about it? I have no clue. It's like the fact that nothing is moving in my life is making me also not move. Oh wait. I think it's the other way around. When I don't move, my life doesn't move. So what am I supposed to do?

I sometimes feel like one day, I just won't come into work, I'll quit silently, never go back, and do whatever the hell I want. (Hands up if you've ever felt like doing this.) I actually have done that in the past. I called in one day and said "I'm not coming in anymore." And that was that. I didn't worry about the consequences, I just did it because I was unhappy being at that job and I had to get out of there. Now, I go, "But my bills! My rent! My cats! My this, that, and the other thing!"

So my conclusion is...I need balance. I've had this idea to work part time and work on writing the other part of the time. I don't know if I can do it financially, and I certainly can't yet, and I don't know if I'll be able to save up enough money to be able to do it in the next year. But, it's something I'm seriously considering. Until then? Finding any spare minute I can to work towards something productive, like a novel, or a screenplay, or something. I want to be my own boss. Well, I should probably start working on that now before I end up 50 and sad I didn't try.

Alright memes. You win. This time.

Is there such a thing as willpower?

We constantly hear that our diets don't work, we can't get ourselves to the gym, we can't do x y and z because we don't have the willpower. But this book my friend told me about a few months ago says that willpower isn't the problem. There are 6 influences in our daily lives that lead us to stray off the path towards our goals...Ourselves, the people around us, the media, etc. The book is called "Change Anything" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, David Maxfield, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. Yeah, that's a lot of people. But it was a really great book that helped me to start eating better...But then I just kinda stopped doing it. It was really weird.

So, does that mean I don't have strong willpower because I stopped reading the book and doing the "plan" I had set up while reading the book?

Maybe I need to set up a "plan" to start living according to my Change anything plan again. That sounds like a vicious cycle.

When I was using the book, I was really making progress. My goal was to eat mindfully for every meal unless I was with other people at a restaurant or party or potluck. Eating mindfully means not doing anything besides eating, really tasting every flavour, smelling every smell, feeling the textures with every bite. It causes people to actually stop eating when they are satisfied, it stops them from overeating, and it reduces cravings. It was really wonderful when I was doing it, but I guess life got busy and I found it harder and harder to eat mindfully when I was always rushed.

So I guess you could say one of my outside influences is my schedule, and my work. Unfortunately, those can't go away right now, so how can I work around them? That's the ultimate question with everything right now. I want to be doing some kind of exercise every day, I want to be writing every day, I want to be able to balance everything better every day. For some reason, that is so freaking hard.

Is there anyone out there who is able to balance their lives well? What's your secret?

Strangely enough, I'm pretty good at balancing poses in yoga. I guess I have to just somehow apply that to my daily life...In yoga, you stare at a spot that is not moving in order to keep your balance, and you try to feel every corner of your foot on the ground or floor, and you keep a little microbend in your knee so that you have more of a solid foundation and your muscles in your balancing leg are keeping you up. Maybe that can be seen as a metaphor for reaching a goal...Your goal is the fixed, unmoving point you are staring at. Your feet are what bring you forward to that goal. You have a solid foundation - a plan - for getting to that goal. Voila. Metaphor. Hmmmm...

I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with this picture.

The picture is that I am at work, and there's nothing really for me to do. My boss is out of town, as he usually is. The executive assistant is working from home, as she often does. There are others in the office, but they are just working on their things. I'm sitting here, browsing Facebook and updating my blog. And getting paid for it.

I've been thinking about what I can do, and there's not much. I'm waiting for feedback on things that I have done in order to move on with them, but there has been no feedback. I usually go to the executive assistant and ask if she has spoken with our boss, because she's the one who's usually in contact with him. I asked her about a couple things that I'm waiting to hear back about, and she said she hasn't heard anything either.

So now I sit here and I think...Should I be more assertive? Should I call my boss and bug him personally about the things that have to be done? I have a feeling if I do that, I will either get no answer or I will be told it's not a priority. Or I will be told that they're working on it and they'll get back to me as soon as they can, which will take ages.

I can't really just invent things to do, unfortunately. A bulk of my job is supposed to be answering phone calls and answering voicemails and E-mails, but my boss wants to have a meeting with me to talk about what I can and can't say before opening the phone lines, and that hasn't happened yet. Also he keeps saying there are other things that are taking priority, like updating our websites, and I am just sitting here waiting for the content I wrote for the website to be edited. If the websites are a priority, they sure aren't acting like it in terms of the content. And our web designer said she hasn't heard anything either.

Make that Words with Friends, actually...

Not to mention I was supposed to have a review meeting with my boss, which then got changed to it being with the executive assistant and the accountant, and that was supposed to be today, but it's not happening today. I've been waiting for a month to have this meeting.

So, what do I do? Do I just sit here? Do I call my boss? In my review meeting, do I say, "Look, I am willing and able to do work and I just sit here most of the time and it's really frustrating"? Should I find another job where I actually do things? I understand the company is basically still a startup, but the way things are run here is so inefficient, and I am sitting here burning their money.

It's really frustrating, and I don't know what to do about it. It might just get to the point where one day I just leave and say, "see ya, I don't have any work to do, let me know if you need anything, I'm going home."

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More and more, I'm starting to crave living without all these rules and restrictions.

It's Monday. I wake up to my iPod blasting music, and my cat rubbing against me. I'm also drenched in cold sweat (good old sleep problems, they never let you down in the discomfort department). Despite that last part, I want to turn my iPod off and stay in bed. Who doesn't, right? But I roll out of bed, and feed the cats, and sit down at the computer and eat a yoghurt.

I really want to go back to bed.

The 5 day work week is something I thought I wanted. I thought I wanted structure throughout the week and all that good stuff. More and more, I've been wanting to leave it all behind.

It's not something that is particularly possible right now, since I need to work full time to apply for permanent residency. But maybe in the future. I love the thought of being my own boss.

I actually don't mind getting up early. I don't mind being busy. But the thought of rolling out of bed, getting all ready for work, and getting to work only to sit down at a desk again makes me just want to crawl back into bed and never get out of it. It's so BORING.

The problem is, I don't know what I would do to have an income, except writing. And that is something I should in theory be working on outside of my job so that I can finally present something to a publisher or an agent or something. But I haven't been working on writing, except blogging. Blogging is great, but I don't think it's something I can quit my job for.

The other option would be going back to school to do something that can be more freelance, or without the restrictions of Monday-Friday, 9-5, sit at your desk until you rot. I've been seriously considering going back to school for journalism, but that's on hold until I get permanent residency. I'm not allowed to work and go to school at the same time with my work permit.

Back to writing - how do I get that great idea that I can sit down and hammer away at? Do I want it to be a novel, or a screenplay? Lately, working on my TV show that I started, like, last year is like pulling teeth. I sit down and draw a blank and feel totally unmotivated.

I feel like the joy of writing somehow disappeared for me. I used to write about anything, not caring if I finished it, not caring if it was good or not. I just loved writing and creating stories and characters. Then again, I was in high school, and I went to a school where I could choose what t do with my day instead of someone choosing for me. So I had a lot of free time to write. I don't have that now.

And it makes me want to quit my job so I can have more time.

Looks familiar...

Other options to make this possible: Find a sugar daddy (or mama?). Become homeless and wander the land. Move back in with my parents. Take out a mortgage but not actually buy a house. Save up like crazy for the next 10 years (because living in this town, that's how long it would take). Kill someone in my family so I can inherit their money.

OK I'm totally kidding about those, except maybe the saving up for 10 years.

(I just searched on Craigslist for "sugar daddy," out of curiosity. Now I really, really don't want to do that. Gross.)

If you have ideas, please, share them. I am all ears (eyes?).

Had to get blood drawn this morning. I saw a new doctor yesterday and he wanted to get some things tested. So I had to leave earlier than normal and didn't get a chance to write today.

I have a feeling this is going to be a pretty boring post.

I've been: Really tired, really hungry (even though I eat healthy food all day long instead of 3 big meals), busy, and bored (at work). That pretty much sums it up.

I don't have any special insights or deep thoughts today. I did a yoga class on my lunch break, which was great. It's 3:30 and I just want to go home.

How are you all doing?

Good morning. Or afternoon or evening as the case may be.

This is day #2 of getting up earlier than usual before work and going to a cafe to write before work (hopefully this will become the usual). I'm sitting in the cafe on the ground floor of an office building across from my office building. In the midst of office buildings. So many office buildings. The only way we get sun in here is when it is directly above or when it reflects on the windows of the buildings. And that's when it's not raining.

Around me sit businessmen, in their suits, and their pressed shirts, and their ties. They chatter on their cell phones, their smartphones. (As a friend of mine once said: "Smart water, Smart cars, smartphones...Dumb people." She's so right.) As if the whole world depends on whatever business transactions they are doing today. There is a particularly round one who is trying to look down my shirt from across the room. Ugh.

Sometimes you can clearly see gender stereotypes in the office and business world. Because men aren't out hunting and gathering, they now have to be aggressive in their sales tactics and their negotiations. Though sometimes it can get downright out of control. I overheard someone in my company who will remain nameless on a conference call with two of my colleagues. Mr. No One, on the phone with another colleague with whom my company has nothing to do, was screaming at the top of his lungs, using a plethora of choice words. Something about stock, something something something. It was just nuts. But, crazy people aside...

I notice women in the business world really use their gender to get along. They tease their hair, they pile on make-up, they try to make themselves taller with their three inch heels. They wear low cut blouses. Of course, not all women are like this. Many women really are getting by on their talents and their expertise and their smarts. But I see a higher percentage (at least, in my mind) who try to use their looks to impress. Sometimes there are those who use their looks AND their smarts. They seem to be a rare breed. I'm not one of those people who uses their looks, but I do try to look nice at work, because that's what the culture calls for. It's all about culture. I sometimes I have to remember who I really am, what I really believe in, and stick to my guns.

I love my job. I really do. But for years, I had jobs that were fairly out of the norm. Retail, working on campus, etc. I seem to have forgotten about the rat race, the daily grind, the grindstone rubbing your nose raw. Sometimes I do feel like all that is left of my nose is blood and cartilage. (Too much?) I'm trying to figure out how to have a life, stay healthy, get exercise, write, and stay sane while getting up early every morning and not having any time to myself. I've also forgotten about competition, about impressing the boss more, about getting ahead by kissing ass so you can get a raise. That is not me, and unfortunately, that fact is not getting me ahead. Apparently having virtue and morals while trying to make a living isn't possible. But I try.

I've been really exhausted lately. I suspect I have a sleep problem, but it could just be that I'm exhausted. I'm waiting to hear back from a sleep specialist. But maybe it's just the repetitive schedule, sitting at a desk all day, staring at a computer all day until I feel like my brain is dripping out of my ears. I try to take walks on my breaks to get my blood flowing, but it doesn't always work. Then again, sometimes I walk up slight inclines and feel like I'm going to fall over and my heart is going to explode. That can't be normal. Bring on more doctors and specialists. I have been a pincushion for years now. The vampires and I are tight.

Anyone else having issues with the daily grind? How do you get through it? What do you do to stay sane? Be honest - do you find yourself putting a mask on to get through the day and get ahead?