Well, it's day 6 of my yoga challenge. I have done yoga at least 15 minutes every day since last Thursday.

I actually realized I have done yoga every day since last Tuesday, so it's technically day 8, but it was Wednesday that I decided I would do it every day, and then did it the next day and have done it every day since.

Technicalities aside...

I'm feeling great. I'm still tired in the mornings, I still get to work and want to crawl back to bed, but maybe that has more to do with work than it does with being tired. Anyway, I feel like my muscles are getting more toned, my technique is getting stronger and better, and I think it is helping with self esteem and somewhat with the fatigue. Mentally I definitely feel better. I can wait for the physical to catch up.

(I wish I could do this)

I went to a meet and greet/discussion that is held once a month for poly women. I brought up the topic about how I don't know if I could determine I wanted to be polyamorous or monogamous with a person when I first start dating them, because you're not really exclusive at the beginning anyway (usually), you don't know how long you're going to date, and you don't know what kind of dynamic is going to develop if you do continue dating and form a relationship. I think some people might think that sounds crazy, that polyamory has to be a requirement from the beginning and you can't date someone who wouldn't want to be polyamorous. I see that to a certain extent - you would want to know that they would be open to talking about it, but I don't think I want to go into a situation being like "you must be polyamorous, or else!"

But that brings up the question...Do you mention it earlier in the relationship? Like, first date? Or after a little while of dating? We talked about that last night, too, and I think the responses to that question were mixed. Some people think it's better to say it right away, maybe to "weed out" the people who aren't going to be comfortable with that. Then you can know if someone is at least open to talking about it later. If they are not even open to the idea, then you know right away. But my therapist thought if you go into a dating situation, while you're still casual, you can get to know the person and what their personality is, what their thoughts about life in general are, what their morals and values are, and then know a) whether or not you think you want to take the next step, or b) whether or not they would be open to something like polyamory.

I don't know which one I agree with. I guess you have to feel out each situation.

I haven't had a whole lot of drama in my life lately, so I haven't had any really emotional posts. I like my quiet life, honestly. I sometimes get lonely, but I like having the freedom to do whatever I want (outside of work, I guess), see my friends when I want, stay home when I want, hang out with my cats when I want, go for walks when I want, do yoga first thing when I wake up if I want...I'm not trying to juggle another person in my life. While I do like the idea of dating and eventually being in a relationship again, I like my independence. The next time I start heading down the relationship road, I think I will have to just remember that and always stay true to that. The person I'm dating will just have to understand, I guess. Especially at first when you're not committed yet.

Someone yesterday said she had heard the phrase, "Be your own primary." I like that. I want to be my own primary.

Today, I am going to write about one of my cats.

I just got inspired because one of my cats, Miyu, is lying on the table next to me, purring like a broken motor. She has a story.

She was abandoned back home, and found on a busy street. I don't know who abandoned her, or how she was "kicked out," but I suspect it was a male, because when she meets new males, it takes her a very long time to warm up to them. Male voices seem to scare her, too. I found her at the Humane Society on "Free Cat Friday," and was told she was "undersocialized." She was only 5 months old, and I saw her in her little glass cage, peering up at me. She wasn't scared then, perhaps because she knew the cage kept her separated from all the scary people walking by. I visited with her in the room where they typically give the animals baths, and she ran under the tub and wouldn't come out. She wouldn't play with me, and no amount of coaxing would get her out. I finally reached under and pulled her out and held her. She was shaking. She was terrified, the poor thing. I told them I had to think about it and left.

I came back later the same day with my mom, because I was living with her at the time and wanted to make sure it was ok to have another cat in her house. We were in a different room this time, and I guess because Miyu remembered me but didn't know my mother, she crawled into my crotch (I was sitting cross legged on the floor). She was so scared of people she didn't know, it was heartbreaking. But I decided to take her anyway. She was the last cat to leave the building. There was another cat who was taken home before she was, and he was at least 12 years old. No one wanted an undersocialized kitten.

 

It took her a few weeks to get comfortable with me. She stayed under the bed in the guest room and I couldn't get to her. A few times I managed to grab her and hold her, but she would struggle and jump down and back under the bed.

But one day, I came in to give her food, and as I knelt down to place her bowls on the floor, she came out from under the bed and rubbed against my legs and my arms, over and over again. I guess she finally realized I was a nice person, and she finally decided I was hers (what with all the rubbing).

Since then we've been really close, and she gets along with my other cat, Jack (I will write about him sometime). They play and chase each other, sometimes they hiss at each other, but they go right back to being friends. She is so sweet and will rub against your legs and your hands for sometimes half an hour at a time. She still hides when people she doesn't know are around, but she warms up to them a lot quicker now. She doesn't really meow, she opens her mouth and makes a little squeaking noise. I read that many cats who grow up outside are taught by their mothers to only meow when something is wrong so as not to attract attention otherwise.

I sometimes wonder about her past, about where she was found, who she was with before me, why she ended up being abandoned. She is a lot like me - she has trust issues because she learned to have them. She's been betrayed, but she's pulled through and has found someone who loves and cares about her. My cats are really my best friends, and my family. I was not intending to get another cat after Jack, but I feel like Miyu and I were meant to be.

(Agggh, Mommy, too many kisses...)

I wrote this E-mail recently, and I thought it sums my thoughts about polyamory up nicely:


"I'm learning a lot more about human nature, and how our monogamous society probably isn't actually our true nature at all, in fact, it's the opposite, but socialization is a very powerful thing, and we have all grown up being used to monogamy as the standard. But it seems like so few monogamous relationships are working these days, especially with our generation, so I think there's something to be said for that. And feelings of jealousy and entitlement and that kind of thing which may be our human 'nature' just have to be acknowledged, and talked about, and there has to be a lot of communication. Each person involved has to be honest with themselves and honest with each other. If not, THEN it's cheating ;) Relationships are hard no matter what form they take, and polyamory adds a whole new dimension to it, but I have seen it work. Also, it depends on how you define it 'working.' It could mean that someone is with someone else for the rest of their lives. If could mean that people are together for a time, maybe a long time, maybe not, but they learned a lot and had a really good experience together and got something out of it...That could also be seen as 'working.' So, it's a perspective thing really. It takes time, and practice, I'm learning. :) "


Wow, I feel so mature!!! =D


So, "Sex at Dawn." I just finished a part where they talk about how in many forager societies that exist today, they have found that the men all take care of the children, even the ones that are not "theirs." But, it is also ambiguous as to who the father is biologically, because there are no monogamous relationships. So the whole community takes care of the children as if they were all their own. I think that sounds wonderful. I think about how different I would be if I had grown up in a society like that, with lots of loving people taking care of me and my siblings and friends and cousins, etc. My views on sex would be totally different, I would probably be a happier, more secure person (though, spit me out into the society we have now, and that might have gotten really confusing, but let's assume the whole society is like this in my little scenario here). Actually, they found that children who grew up in societies like that are happy and have no issues with depression, at least in the ways we do in our society. (I'm sure there are times when they're sad, but it's a different kind of cycle than we have in our divided, individualized society.)


It's so fascinating.


I always thought it would be cool to live in a commune. Add a scenario like this, and it might be awesome. Though you'd probably be seen as crazy polygamists or something by everyone else if they knew what was going on. I happen to care about my reputation since I'm trying to have a career and whatnot, I must say.


(Though, I suppose if you live on a commune where everyone does everything together and supports each other through growing food and every other aspect of life, maybe you wouldn't need to have a "career" in the "traditional" sense. And I think most communes these days consist of people who have monogamous relationships, while doing everything else together. I say most. Probably not all.)


Since I have come to a big city with no family close by, I have started to realize just how separate we all are in this society. I mean, I knew it before, and I've lived briefly in big cities and visited them a lot. And I grew up mostly in the mountains in a tiny town, with neighbours who were visible from our house, but not close at all, not like in city neighbourhoods. So I have grown up rather separate from everyone else in society. In high school, I went to a very small school, which was a real community, except we didn't live together. But I saw these people every day, and the collaboration that I experienced there was really amazing and uplifting when I think back.


People needs communities. Dr. Andrew Weil says that one of the best cures of depression is not actually to curl up on your couch and feel sad (though, you should be in touch with your emotions and do that, too, just not on a regular basis), but to go spend time with others in social situations. It's the closest we're going to get in our society to having a community, unless we join a commune or leave the society completely to live with aboriginals in South America or Africa...


There are times when I like being alone, cuddling with my cats. But having a community is very important to me, and I have a few of them, here and back home. It's so important. I hope we can all find communities where we are accepted for who we are and supported in various ways.

But first...

Where I live, there are a lot of homeless people. A LOT. And I try to have compassion for them and I realize that they have it really hard, and I can't really imagine or understand what they're going through, so I'm not going to pretend I do. But...They stink. Some of them are better than others. But there is a particular hobo who has been hanging around on the main street outside my apartment building, in various places. And he is the worst smelling homeless person my nose has EVER had the un-previledge of sniffing. The poor guy obviously hasn't had a bath in possibly years, or at least months. His hair is totally matted, and his smell spreads to a six-foot radius around him, I swear. I have been almost a block away and been able to smell him. And my heart really goes out to him, but when my nose comes across something my brain doesn't like, I can't really argue with that. It's biological. We don't like the smell of rotten food because our bodies are telling us not to eat it, because it could be dangerous. Same with smelly homeless people. Your brain is telling you: Don't eat them.

I'm kidding of course. About the eating. But seriously...Don't.

Anyway, he came into the cafe where I am sitting, and I had to go to the bathroom because I just couldn't stand the stink. Why do I feel kind of bad about that?

In other news, I've been reading various books lately. Among them are "Discover the Power Within You" by Eric Butterworth (sounds totally corny, but it's really great, and it puts the Bible and Jesus in a totally different light than your average Christian texts - disclaimer: I am not Christian, but I feel a connection to Christ consciousness, just not based on what is normally taught about Jesus), "Mary, Called Magdalene" by Margaret George, "50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food" by Susan Albers, Psy.D.; and now "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. That's a lot of books. My brain is a sponge, it loooooooves information. (I try to fill it with the "right kind," as in the kind that is well studied and what makes sense to me, and I think I'm a pretty rational person, not when it comes to all things - like my emotions - but for the most part.) I just picked up "Sex at Dawn" today, but it's been on my list for a while. Apparently it's a staple if you're interested in polyamory, so I'm giving it a try.

  

My therapist asked me recently what my attraction to polyamory is. And she asked if I was attracted to the idea of keeping my sexual options open, or if I like it because the person I'm dating potentially won't get bored and leave me because they have their options open, too. I'm not sure if I should feel offended by that question or not. I don't think she meant it in an offensive way at all, but maybe she doesn't really understand polyamory? She doesn't have a problem with it, she doesn't judge me for being interested in it...at least, if she is, I can't tell. I have a fear of people leaving me, and when someone breaks up with me, it's like I take it personally. So you would think being polyamorous would do the opposite to me, it would make me more freaked out that someone is going to leave me, because if I'm not stopping them from seeing other people, what's stopping them from leaving all together? (Then again, that is the case in any relationship, monogamous or not.)

With my recent boyfriend, I started freaking out when I realized that we didn't have a committed relationship like I thought we did. And I wasn't freaked out that he was going to leave me FOR the other girl he started dating, but I was comparing myself to her like crazy. But anyway, I wasn't actually scared that he would leave me for her. I guess the thought crossed my mind, but it had way more to do with ME than it did with HER (except the fact that I was comparing myself to her). And that's when I realized that my self esteem needed some major work. (OK, I knew it before, but this was the Janga piece that ended the game, I guess.)

If I have ever been attracted to it because of what my therapist suggested, it hasn't consciously crossed my mind. The reason I was interested in it in the first place was because I am attracted to girls, and it would be denying a part of me for someone to say "you're in a relationship only with me, and you cannot act on your attraction to women."

But it occurred to me...I don't need to be in a polyamorous relationship for this. There are lots of people out there who are basically monogamous but with bisexual people who are fine with their partners seeing someone of the same sex. Or at least, they're willing to try it. I'm sure it puts a strain on a relationship, and maybe the polyamory idea makes more sense to me because the person I am in the relationship with would "get it." Then, of course, I'd have to accept the possibility that they would start dating someone else as well, and that could be a real challenge for me, apparently.

I also thought about the idea of being in a committed relationship with someone before opening the relationship, and how that makes more sense to me because there's at least some stability in the commitment. I understand any relationship can end for any reason (death, falling out of love, whatever), but at least there's a commitment between the two people for the time being. I think it would reassure me when things get rough or when my jealousy comes up. And when my recent boyfriend started dating someone else, a polyamorous person I know asked me if I was getting what I needed out of the relationship. And I realized I wasn't, because I wanted that committed relationship, and he didn't. He started dating someone else before we had even had a chance to build that commitment, but he didn't even want to be committed to me, whereas I could have been with him.

At this point I'm just blabbering and getting my thoughts out. There's no real structure to this post, no conclusion, no offering of hope, no solutions, just...thoughts. If I come to any conclusions about all this, I will share it with you.

P.S. If you would like to get weird or interested or confused or intrigued looks, put a book called "Sex at Dawn" on the table next to you in a cafe.

Sitting at a table not quite outside but next to a big open window at a cafe, eating a scrumptious just baked butter croissant (ahhhhhhhh, yum...hopefully my stomach won't hate me later), sipping a decaf, and things are good. The barista, who is really cute I have to add, gave the woman in front of me in line her drink and said, "Something something AmeriCANo," like tuna can or soda can, not like Genghis Khan. Then he turned to me and said in a singsong voice, "I am...too weird...for this job..."

Barista guy at JJ Bean on 6th and Commercial, if you're reading this, you're cute. Let's go out.

(Uh oh, I just gave away my approximate location...So much for staying anonymous.)

Actually, on the subject of anonymity, I've decided to open this blog up to my Facebook community...And I still retain the right to say whatever I want. I'll try to leave the personal comments (as in, about other people) to a minimal.

In other news, yesterday, I had a sobfest. Just broke down, fell on the floor, beat my fists on the floor, the whole shebang. Haven't had one of those in a long time. It sucked, but it also felt good. I recommend it to everyone.

(This was me)

During the sobfest, I was obviously really upset, thinking about certain happenings in my life, screaming "Why me? Why me?" like Nancy Kerrigan after being hit in the leg with a crowbar:

My cat, Jack, curled up next to me on the couch and purred and snuggled up and I wished that humans could be like animals, loving unconditionally. What is it about humans that makes us think we deserve something in return for love? I'm guilty of it, too, I know this. And I'm not saying we don't deserve something in return for love, but...instead of just letting go and letting God (I can just sense some people cringing at this, but, whatever), and accepting love and not expecting anything in return, we scream and cry and rage when we don't get what we want out of love.

That's what I was doing, that's for sure. Can I imagine myself loving unconditionally? Not a chance. I hate to admit that, but it's true. Maybe someday, when I'm no longer human. In another life, when I am a cat.

(P.S. I'm sorry for the ugly lines above, I can't figure out how to make them go away...)

"Thank you for calling Your Relationship, please hold..."

Tom, formerly known as my boyfriend, and I have decided to put our relationship "on hold." That basically means we are broken up until further notice. He was going through some issues, and I am going through some issues. He and I are on different pages in terms of what we want out of a relationship. He wants to date around, and I've gotten that out of my system. It's not that I don't want to date around, but I'd be ok with developing a more serious relationship with someone, and that's not where he is at this point on his life's path.

Maybe we'll get back together in the future. Maybe we won't. It could take him years to get to the point where he wants to be more serious with someone. By that time, I might not be even in the picture anymore. I may have found someone else, or there are a whole myriad of other things that could happen. (Though, I do have to say, if we did come to a point where we thought we could be in a relationship again...Thank the universe for polyamory, right? That is, if that's where I am at that time...) There may be no possibility of having that kind of relationship with each other.

And strangely, I'm at peace with that. Normally I would be freaking out, really depressed that this didn't work out, I would wonder what's wrong with me. I'm not doing that, not right now, at least.

We talked about still keeping in touch, because we do really care about each other and want to see the other get better. (Without giving away too many details, an event in his life triggered some emotional hardships and kind of shook him up; I am dealing with health problems of various sorts, depression, anxiety, and self esteem issues that go back really far and are very deep rooted). At this point, I think we could even get together in between and just be friends and check in with each other. That thought actually makes me happy.

I have to admit, though, there is a little bit of hope inside of me that this could work out someday. He said last night that he thinks hope always has an expectation. I don't actually agree. I think hope is leaning more towards the possible positive outcome, but knowing that there is an equal chance of it not happening that way. I mean, we say, "I hope I don't miss my bus," but we know there's an equal chance that we will. Or, "I hope we can get back together in the future," but there's an equal chance that we won't. Or maybe I'm just pessimistic and seeing this in a pessimistic way, but it makes sense to me.

Either way, it's time for me to focus on my life and the things I need to change and work on. It's time to see my friends, meet new friends, write (every day!), work on my crafts with a friend of mine, meet with my pagan group, get healthy, exercise, raise my self esteem (or at least learn to treat myself with esteem, as my therapist says), lose weight, and be in the friggin moment.

That's right. The friggin' moment. Booyah.

So...


Here's what's been going on in my life so that you have a sense of where I am right now.


I have been dating someone for about 2 months, almost 3. Let's just call him Tom. Before this, I had been single for 2 years, and hadn't had sex in 1. I was actually doing just fine like that, albeit a bit lonely. I moved to this city after getting a work permit and wanting to be somewhere new and really find myself. That sounds horribly cliche, but it's the truth.


So, I started going to a meetup, and met Tom there. We had a few exchanges before he asked me out. And things have been rather rocky, and it's not because I don't like him or want to be with him.


It's because I wanted to be with him too much. This is what happens in all my relationships. I get attached really quickly, and soon I feel like I'm in love. (Hands up, ladies, if this sounds familiar.) I mean, it had been a month and a half and I was already there.


Or was I really?


I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now, and she's great. She actually told me that I should be writing to work through things. She reminded me that you can be with someone, have fun, go out, have sex even, and it's not necessarily love. (Wait...YOU CAN??? Why hadn't anyone told me this before? No, seriously, I just don't know if I've ever felt this because I get attached so quickly.) 


But she also reminded me that women nurture, and we care. And not very long into this relationship, my boyfriend experienced something that turned his world upside down for a bit, and his problems with anxiety that he has had for years came back (I guess they come and go and are triggered by trauma sometimes). So what did I do? I nurtured. I took care of him. And I thought I was in love because through that, we felt more connected.


I'm not saying we weren't connected on a deep level. My boyfriend even said at one point he thought he was falling for me (in response to me saying I was in love with him). And recently he told me he had changed his mind, basically.


See...From the beginning, we've had an open relationship. He started dating another girl, and I went nuts. I thought I was ready to handle it, but I was having a very hard time with it. There are deep rooted issues inside of me from the past that are keeping me from being able to let go and not be possessive of the person I'm dating (I'm not saying that people who are in open relationships never have these feelings, but I think there are people out there who are way better at managing them than I am at this point). And it wasn't just that I was jealous or worried he would leave me or anything like that. 


I realized that I lost myself. I thought we had a strong connection, but I was also investing too much of myself in it. And I thought we had a committed relationship. And I was wrong. He wants to "play the field" and he's not at the point of loving me yet. I'm not sure what changed his mind, but it changed.


And I realized that when I am in a relationship, that is my identity. It is a part of me. And that is not really a good thing, because...when something goes wrong, if we break up, I feel like a part of me has died. It sounds so horribly romantic, and that's the problem. We've grown up, as women, in this society that tells us we can have our knight in shining armour, that we'll be swept away and always protected, that as long as we have that person, we'll be ok. It's a total bullshit fantasy. Instead of teaching us that we are ok, and we will be ok, and it will be hard, but we will survive, we learned that we can't be ok on our own. And this socialization has become such a deep part of me that this leads to all these problems.


That's not to say that some women who have been socialized this way don't have wonderful experiences with their boyfriends, husbands, spouses, girlfriends, wives, whatever. Because there are plenty of people out there who are doing just fine with their "significant others" (I like saying that more than "better half"). And I know they have had realizations about themselves, whatever it may be, that have changed their worlds and rocked their boats. Because we all do.


In any case...The fact that I have such high expectations in my relationships, coupled with all these bad experiences I've had with guys in the past (and I'm sure you'll hear about them sometime, reader), has suddenly become totally apparent to me. And I need to go through the pain to heal from it.


So my boyfriend and I are taking a break. And I want to step back, rein everything in, go on dates, have fun together but not get serious, and take it easy. This is going to be extremely hard for me to do, but it's necessary. I have to believe that if things don't work out, I will be ok. My identity won't be damaged. I will still have all my parts. All my fingers, toes, my whole heart.


And it's also necessary for me to dig into these places deep down so that I can try this polyamory thing, really try it with all of its emotional components and crazy moments, but without feeling like the world is going to end when things are rocky. (There will be more about polyamory later.)


Thanks for reading my first post. If you've read this far, I'd love a comment, anything at all, so that I know people are actually reading! Thanks! :)