...Yet, I am getting overwhelmed by what is going on in the world and can't get my thoughts straight.

There's this Todd Akin thing...Which gets me totally riled up, and it makes me wonder how people who are so stupid can get into Congress (rhetorical wondering, FYI...I know the answers and don't want to discuss them now). I mean, a woman's body shuts down when she gets raped and she doesn't get pregnant? What about the 32,101 women who get pregnant every year from rape in the US?
What about this woman who got pregnant from rape? By the way, that is a great open letter to Todd Akin and I suggest you read it.

But, he did apologize...And he sounds sincere in his apology. And I have at least a tiny bit of respect for someone who can say something so fucked up and then apologize for saying it. A lot of people would go the opposite and say "Fuck you guys, I'm right and I stand by my convictions!" Instead, he humbly said, "I apologize, and I ask for your forgiveness." That is a very hard thing to do, whether you're a politician or Joe Blow from down the street. I mean, it could be that his advisors were like, "Yo, Todd, you gotta make a public apology or else you're going to have to leave this race." (The human race? HA HA. Just kidding.) But I don't think he's a very good actor, and he sounds sincere.

Does that mean I like him? Hell no. He's a bigot, he doesn't get his facts straight before talking to the public, and he doesn't support abortion of a baby conceived when a woman is raped. But...He showed some balls by apologizing. I think a lot of people would be like, "Still, he said what he said, and he's an idiot." Yes. But change happen in baby steps, and that apology is one of them, I think. Maybe now he'll think more about his stance on abortion. It opened up the chance for dialogue between people about these kinds of things. The revolution will not be televised and all that jazz.

 OMG, OMG this is so freaking funny, and there are more just like it!

Well, I guess that's all I wanted to write, really. There's a lot going on in the world, but that's at the forefront of my mind right now. I could write about Avril Lavigne's engagement to what's his face of Nickleback...You know, the one with the long hair and the voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me...But really, that's not important. Scary, yes (I hope they don't have kids). But not important.

I mean, what is it with celebrities dating for 6 months and then getting married? I swear, celebrities rush into these things like no other. Sounds like a publicity stunt to me.

But it's not important. No siree.

God I hope they don't have kids...Two mediocre singers/musicians (if you can call them that) having kids? Either their kids will end up totally boring, or they'll be the opposite and be musical geniuses. That'll be the day.

But, Avril Lavigne and what's his face are not important. I don't care. Obviously.

(Where does the blue part come from anyway?)

I went to a Chinese wedding with "Tom" on Sunday. It was his high school friend's wedding. Honestly, it was awesome. The ceremony was kind of religious, they quoted from the Bible and whatnot. It was also done in Chinese and English, which I thought was pretty cool. The reception was at a restaurant, and there was TONS of food. I was so stuffed by the end. The bride had this nice dress that was sequined yet pretty simple, and her she changed into a red dress partway through the reception (I learned new things that night - apparently red is very lucky in Chinese culture). The groom got super drunk at the reception, doing shots with everyone. It was nice meeting some of Tom's high school friends, too. Like we've gotten to that point in our relationship where we introduce each other to our friends. OK, it's more like we've gotten to that point in Tom's relationship with me where he introduces me to his friends. He had already met some of my friends the first time we dated. Anyway, it's nice to know that he is comfortable enough to do that now. Also, we experiened another rite of passage - making our relationship "official" on Facebook (but of course as an open relationship). I have learned I just need to be patient with him and wait things out. Which is fine by me. I want to take things slowly, too.

Anyway, at this wedding, I couldn't help feeling kind of warm and fuzzy. I'm not really into the typical idea of marriage. I don't really see the point, and I don't really want the church or state to be involved in my decision to have a long term committed relationship with someone. I think it's great when people get married, and I'm happy for them. But the typical marriage thing...I don't know. However, I do like the fact that people celebrate their choice to be in a long term, committed relationship. (I want to specify here that by committed I don't actually mean "til death do us part." I actually mean being committed to working things out together when times get tough, being there for each other through thick and thin, maybe even starting a family together. It doesn't mean you have to be married on paper to have this kind of relationship. And it doesn't mean you have to be monogamous to have this kind - or even traditional "on paper" married - relationship. And in either scenario, things can change. Marriages fall apart, long term "not on paper" relationships fall apart. You have to realize that no matter what scenario you're in. Just wanted to make that clear.)

So, I feel conflicted. There's the feminist, modern, 21st century part of me who is like "fuck this marriage crap. It's antiquated and it was only designed to acquire land and for nobles and royalty to get land and power and wealth." Then there's this other part of me that actually wouldn't mind having some sort of celebration to mark starting a life with someone, not necessarily til death do us part, but for the time being. Then there's this OTHER other part of me that wants to be secure in a relationship for the rest of my life (but the former 2 parts remind that part of me that that is kinda unrealistic).

I look at my cousins - one has gotten married and another is getting married next spring. I'm really so happy for them. I have friends who have gotten married recently, and I'm super happy for them, too. I knew two people who had a ceremony but didn't sign any marriage certificate or anything, so they went a few years, then decided not to renew their vows and went their separate ways (I like that idea, a lot). No matter what people choose to do, it's their choice, it's their life, and I support that as long as they are happy. (Though, even if they are not happy, that's their choice, too...) Hell, if 3 people want to get married to each other, I'm happy for them, too.

I guess a big problem I have with marriage is how it's so rigid. 2 people, and in the US and many other countries, just one man and one woman. That's what bugs me. The government and the church feel the need to tell us what arrangement is right and which are not allowed. That seems pretty twisted to me. So while I wouldn't mind having that ceremony I talked about earlier, I feel like getting the government involved would show that I somehow support this rigid, intolerant structure. So I think I'll stick to handfastings maybe, jumping over a broom and calling it a day. ;)

This?

Or this?

Or this?

 (This could be any combination of genders, this was just all I could find. /Disclaimer)

I had a very interesting experience yesterday. Actually, it was kind of scary. I went to my horseback riding lesson, and found I wasn't in the schedule even though I had confirmed it a few days prior. So they squeezed me in with another instructor who had a private lesson with another student who is more advanced than I am, but she went back and forth between us. We were outside, and it was really hot, there were no clouds in the sky, and I obviously hadn't had enough water to drink that day, because at the end of the lesson, I started seeing major spots. Actually, my vision was pretty much going, and my ears were totally muffled. I put my head down on the horse's neck and just breathed, then finally was able to get off the horse and take him inside and recover. I almost fainted, on a horse. At least he was standing still!

The other girl in the lesson had a worse experience - she actually fell off the horse she was riding while it was cantering. It just kind of kept going faster and faster and wouldn't listen to her when she tried to get him to slow down, and finally she just slid off. She said she was ok, but she asked the instructor about five times what the date was, and said she couldn't remember what happened. Looks like she might have a minor concussion. I hope she is ok and that her parents listened to the instructor and took her to the doctor.

Crazy day yesterday. Note to self: Drink lots of water before riding, eat enough before riding, and get good sleep the night before riding (which I also did not do).

I have been slipping back into my old ways of not putting myself first. I wake up so tired, I haven't been doing yoga every day (going to a class tonight, though), and I haven't been eating great, either. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. I guess I just forget about myself.

Something I don't think I've shared on here yet: "Tom" and I are dating again, and it has been really great, I feel like I'm coming at it from a different place and that I'm a different person than I was a month ago. But I also think it drains some of the energy out of me. It's hard enough to focus on myself, and bringing someone else into my life to focus on brings my energy level down some, I think. Maybe polyamory isn't right for me right now just because of that.

Actually I have realized that polyamory isn't right for me right now anyway, because I have to really take care of myself these days, and I just don't have the time to date another person. Tom and I haven't really talked about when we would like to approach the polyamory thing again, and I think it's a conversation we should have.

(On a separate note, the name Tom really doesn't fit him at all. Maybe I should come up with another alias.)

Yes, another post for today. I just have to share this.

Please click here to see what I am commenting on

On that blog that I just linked to, she says "Wow this is so selfish. Why do people in relationships feel like they have to be the sole provider and keeper of their partner’s happiness? I truly just do not understand this phenomenon."


Amen, sista, is what I have to say to that.


Even if you are monogamous, being the sole provider and keeper of your partner's happiness is a fallacy. There are lots of other things than just your partner that make you happy in life. Your friends (maybe they're male, maybe they're female), your family, your pets, your hobbies, movies, music, etc. etc. If you look at it that way, would people still be saying they're their partner's sole provider and keeper of their happiness? Probably not.


Perspective, people.

I've had 2 dates in the past week. With different people. Neither was one I really felt any "spark" with. But I didn't have any expectations going into it, really, so it's all good.

I've been really busy lately, yet I've been feeling pretty lonely, in a weird way. But at the same time, I think about relationships and just want to crawl under a rock. Dating sucks. It's hard. It's like going on job interviews. There are reasons I just don't do it. I just kind of want to wait and let it come to me, but that doesn't really get you anywhere, either. Maybe it's because I'm just not looking that hard right now, and the past few times I've actually tried being in a relationship, it's just been too much for me, emotionally and physically. It exhausts me. Relationships are time consuming, and can be stressful, and are really fun, but there aren't enough hours in the day for work, my life, and a relationship - let alone more than one relationship if that were ever to happen. I don't know how people do it. 

I guess I'm not really ready to sacrifice my life to anyone right now. I like getting up at 6am with 8 hours of sleep behind me, as weird as that sounds. I like not having to impress someone day in and day out. I like having my schedule and doing what I want with my time and not have to juggle someone else's schedule, too.

But, as I said, it gets lonely. Sometimes you just want to cuddle with someone, and feel loved. Cats can only go so far in that regard.

I don't really know what I'm doing wrong. Or what I'm doing right. Or actually, what I'm doing at all.

 

Freedom or Relationship: Which is better? Or is it better to have something in between? 

When I'm around other people, I can't help but be happy for the most part. I love conversations, a feeling of community and connectedness, laughing and sharing. It makes me think that humans are not meant to live separately in little boxes without saying hello on the street. But since that is how we live, we have to find communities within our big "community," places to connect not on a one-on-one level (though that is great, too), but on a group level.

I'm reading a section in "Sex at Dawn" where they talk about how it seems that our true nature as humans is helpfulness, cooperation, and support. It makes me think about those individuals who somehow decided that "every man for himself" was a better approach. How does that happen? When everyone on the planet is cooperating, living in groups that are self sustaining, supporting each other, how did a few people suddenly change and decide that was the wrong way to live? Was it something in the DNA that suddenly changed? Was it because we evolved to be able to think and analyze things? I really wish I could pinpoint it to one person and blame them for all of this disconnect in our culture. It would make me feel good, but obviously it wouldn't really change anything.

"Sex at Dawn" is making me want to live on a commune. Or at least in a co-housing situation. I think there is a co-housing building across the street from my building. I think I should check that out. I like having my own space and living alone, honestly. If it's messy, it's my mess, not someone else's. If the dishes aren't done, I have no one to blame but myself. But it is lonely. I like the idea of co-housing because often, you have your own space, but you share things with others, like community dinners, there are get togethers, lots of things are done together. I like that idea. A lot.

I'm not sure what my point is this morning. I guess I crave more of a community than I have right now. I have little communities that I am part of, but I miss the days at the Sudbury school I went to where we were a community that saw each other every day, had to work together, play together, learn to cooperate together, and learn to respect one another. I wish I had something like that in my daily life. Instead, I wake up, eat, take a shower, and go to work to sit in another box all day, staring at a computer screen, feeling like I want to die because while my work can be interesting at times, I don't think I'm suited to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. I'm also contemplating how I can take things like my writing and make them into an income. I welcome any tips on that one!

I follow another blog that has to do with only polyamory, and I read this post and she of course has some points that are valid, like that monogamous people look at her like she has 2 heads when she talks about her polyamorous life. And that people say things like "it's not normal, but it works for some people," and she points out that people saying this is not going to accomplish anything, and it just reinforces the idea that being polyamorous is not normal and that it can't work, it can't be widespread, etc.


Then she says, "This is normal for me. This is what works. Monogamy is the weird thing to me. And that’s okay. I am allowed to say that. I don’t have to apologize for thinking that."


Totally true, but I just find it interesting that I disagree. I don't think monogamy is weird at all, actually. I can understand that you would want to have someone as your partner for a very long time, and maybe only that person. I still feel that way. And there are many different polyamorous configurations (see "Complicated Sex Graphic"), and the way I see it working for me in theory is having a "primary" person (I know some people hate that word, but no one has come up with a better one, so I'll just use it), establishing a committed relationship with them, and then opening it up. So it's like having an open monogamous relationship, I guess. That's what I think would work for me, it doesn't work for everyone who's polyamorous. Or monogamous.


I just find it interesting that people who are poly can think monogamy is just as weird as monogamous people think polyamory is weird. It just proves there are so many ways to love people, and that is totally ok!


The only criticism I would have about the post on which I'm commenting is that calling monogamy weird is doing the same thing that polyamorous people hate monogamous people doing. Monogamous people say "that's weird" and with judgment, and saying monogamy is weird is just judging them the way you don't want to be.


I know we can't all be politically correct all the time, and I don't think we always should be (that must be the American part of me, ha!). I just don't want to stop being monogamous and go to the other extreme just because monogamy didn't work for me in the past or doesn't make sense to me now. It's like when I entered the pagan community - so many people grew up as Christian and had such a negative time with it, they went the other extreme to hating Christianity and anything involved with it. I guess I just don't like extremes.


And that's just me. And that's ok. I'm allowed to be that way. I don't have to apologize for that. ;) (Thanks for letting me borrow your words!)


I have to say, Polycule is an awesome blog, and this just shows she writes stuff that's insightful enough to motivate others to comment on it! Yay blogging!

Sometimes poly relationships can look like molecules, hence the blog named "Polycule," on which I am commenting.

I wrote this E-mail recently, and I thought it sums my thoughts about polyamory up nicely:


"I'm learning a lot more about human nature, and how our monogamous society probably isn't actually our true nature at all, in fact, it's the opposite, but socialization is a very powerful thing, and we have all grown up being used to monogamy as the standard. But it seems like so few monogamous relationships are working these days, especially with our generation, so I think there's something to be said for that. And feelings of jealousy and entitlement and that kind of thing which may be our human 'nature' just have to be acknowledged, and talked about, and there has to be a lot of communication. Each person involved has to be honest with themselves and honest with each other. If not, THEN it's cheating ;) Relationships are hard no matter what form they take, and polyamory adds a whole new dimension to it, but I have seen it work. Also, it depends on how you define it 'working.' It could mean that someone is with someone else for the rest of their lives. If could mean that people are together for a time, maybe a long time, maybe not, but they learned a lot and had a really good experience together and got something out of it...That could also be seen as 'working.' So, it's a perspective thing really. It takes time, and practice, I'm learning. :) "


Wow, I feel so mature!!! =D


So, "Sex at Dawn." I just finished a part where they talk about how in many forager societies that exist today, they have found that the men all take care of the children, even the ones that are not "theirs." But, it is also ambiguous as to who the father is biologically, because there are no monogamous relationships. So the whole community takes care of the children as if they were all their own. I think that sounds wonderful. I think about how different I would be if I had grown up in a society like that, with lots of loving people taking care of me and my siblings and friends and cousins, etc. My views on sex would be totally different, I would probably be a happier, more secure person (though, spit me out into the society we have now, and that might have gotten really confusing, but let's assume the whole society is like this in my little scenario here). Actually, they found that children who grew up in societies like that are happy and have no issues with depression, at least in the ways we do in our society. (I'm sure there are times when they're sad, but it's a different kind of cycle than we have in our divided, individualized society.)


It's so fascinating.


I always thought it would be cool to live in a commune. Add a scenario like this, and it might be awesome. Though you'd probably be seen as crazy polygamists or something by everyone else if they knew what was going on. I happen to care about my reputation since I'm trying to have a career and whatnot, I must say.


(Though, I suppose if you live on a commune where everyone does everything together and supports each other through growing food and every other aspect of life, maybe you wouldn't need to have a "career" in the "traditional" sense. And I think most communes these days consist of people who have monogamous relationships, while doing everything else together. I say most. Probably not all.)


Since I have come to a big city with no family close by, I have started to realize just how separate we all are in this society. I mean, I knew it before, and I've lived briefly in big cities and visited them a lot. And I grew up mostly in the mountains in a tiny town, with neighbours who were visible from our house, but not close at all, not like in city neighbourhoods. So I have grown up rather separate from everyone else in society. In high school, I went to a very small school, which was a real community, except we didn't live together. But I saw these people every day, and the collaboration that I experienced there was really amazing and uplifting when I think back.


People needs communities. Dr. Andrew Weil says that one of the best cures of depression is not actually to curl up on your couch and feel sad (though, you should be in touch with your emotions and do that, too, just not on a regular basis), but to go spend time with others in social situations. It's the closest we're going to get in our society to having a community, unless we join a commune or leave the society completely to live with aboriginals in South America or Africa...


There are times when I like being alone, cuddling with my cats. But having a community is very important to me, and I have a few of them, here and back home. It's so important. I hope we can all find communities where we are accepted for who we are and supported in various ways.

I have seen this graphic before, but it's on the "Sex at Dawn" website as an excerpt from the book. I haven't gotten this far in the book, if it does indeed appear there. But it's really, really interesting. There are so many options to love and relationships, yet we all think we know what's best, especially for other people, instead of just letting them do what they want as long as they're not hurting anyone...

I just find it really interesting.

I haven't gotten very far in "Sex at Dawn," but it's already got me thinking, mostly about how everything we learned in school is apparently wrong, and I could see that. They mention that the popular view about female sexuality is that women just aren't that interested in it, which we all know is wrong. But, I think about myself and I'm like "I dunno, I don't have to have it every day or anything, there are days when I never think about it," but apparently men have constant boners and can't stop thinking about it (I'm exaggerating). So, I'm like, "If it's wrong that women aren't interested, then why am I just not interested most of the time?" I love sex, I really do, but it's not my goal every day to get laid. (And I'm not saying it is for guys, either...)

But anyway, because I haven't gotten too far in the book yet, I can't really have an opinion on all of it yet. It's kind of complex, but it's super interesting.

P.S. Sorry the type on the graphic is so small...It's the only version I could find...But I just discovered if you click on it, it gets a *little* bigger.

Update: I found a bigger graphic. This time if you click on it, it should be really easy to read.

Update to my update: Never mind. If it's embedded, it stays small. Here's a link to it BIG

I had a dream that "Tom" and I were back together, and that everything was really good.

I also had a dream that I was back in university and didn't want to be and was sobbing my eyes out.

Totally weird dreams. I wonder if they had anything to do with each other.

About the "Tom" one - I miss him. And I know he's probably going to look at my blog at some point, but he already knows that I miss him. I know where we went wrong, and the biggest problem is not being able to go back in time to fix it. Le sigh.

One part of our problem was my self esteem, my ability to NOT see my relationship as my identity and to NOT have my self esteem based on what kind of relationship I'm in. Whatever I'm doing about my self esteem, it seems to be working, somewhat. I mean, it's a long row to hoe, but I'm working on it. I think it's eating better and seeing results from that (though yesterday, for some reason, I was starving all day, and woke up with my stomach feeling totally empty this morning...don't know what's going on there). My pants are feeling looser, which is a nice bonus, but I also just feel healthier. The fatigue is still there, but not as pronounced.

That could also be because I have been going on short walk/jogs, and doing only as much as I feel I can without overdoing it. I should be hearing from the sleep specialist this week...Hope hope hope.

Anyway, about dreams...I realized that I don't really have any anymore. How depressing is that? Doesn't everyone have dreams? The only thing I can think of now is that in the next 5 years, I'd like to work on owning a place, a condo or townhouse maybe. The (North) American dream...I don't even have dreams of writing a screenplay, or making a movie, or publishing a novel, or any of that stuff. I feel like I'm finding the joy in writing again (it was gone for a while), so maybe I just need some time.

(The cow jumped over the moon...Way to go, cow!)

What are your dreams? Silly, serious, whatever...What are they, if you don't mind sharing?

But first...

Where I live, there are a lot of homeless people. A LOT. And I try to have compassion for them and I realize that they have it really hard, and I can't really imagine or understand what they're going through, so I'm not going to pretend I do. But...They stink. Some of them are better than others. But there is a particular hobo who has been hanging around on the main street outside my apartment building, in various places. And he is the worst smelling homeless person my nose has EVER had the un-previledge of sniffing. The poor guy obviously hasn't had a bath in possibly years, or at least months. His hair is totally matted, and his smell spreads to a six-foot radius around him, I swear. I have been almost a block away and been able to smell him. And my heart really goes out to him, but when my nose comes across something my brain doesn't like, I can't really argue with that. It's biological. We don't like the smell of rotten food because our bodies are telling us not to eat it, because it could be dangerous. Same with smelly homeless people. Your brain is telling you: Don't eat them.

I'm kidding of course. About the eating. But seriously...Don't.

Anyway, he came into the cafe where I am sitting, and I had to go to the bathroom because I just couldn't stand the stink. Why do I feel kind of bad about that?

In other news, I've been reading various books lately. Among them are "Discover the Power Within You" by Eric Butterworth (sounds totally corny, but it's really great, and it puts the Bible and Jesus in a totally different light than your average Christian texts - disclaimer: I am not Christian, but I feel a connection to Christ consciousness, just not based on what is normally taught about Jesus), "Mary, Called Magdalene" by Margaret George, "50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food" by Susan Albers, Psy.D.; and now "Sex at Dawn" by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. That's a lot of books. My brain is a sponge, it loooooooves information. (I try to fill it with the "right kind," as in the kind that is well studied and what makes sense to me, and I think I'm a pretty rational person, not when it comes to all things - like my emotions - but for the most part.) I just picked up "Sex at Dawn" today, but it's been on my list for a while. Apparently it's a staple if you're interested in polyamory, so I'm giving it a try.

  

My therapist asked me recently what my attraction to polyamory is. And she asked if I was attracted to the idea of keeping my sexual options open, or if I like it because the person I'm dating potentially won't get bored and leave me because they have their options open, too. I'm not sure if I should feel offended by that question or not. I don't think she meant it in an offensive way at all, but maybe she doesn't really understand polyamory? She doesn't have a problem with it, she doesn't judge me for being interested in it...at least, if she is, I can't tell. I have a fear of people leaving me, and when someone breaks up with me, it's like I take it personally. So you would think being polyamorous would do the opposite to me, it would make me more freaked out that someone is going to leave me, because if I'm not stopping them from seeing other people, what's stopping them from leaving all together? (Then again, that is the case in any relationship, monogamous or not.)

With my recent boyfriend, I started freaking out when I realized that we didn't have a committed relationship like I thought we did. And I wasn't freaked out that he was going to leave me FOR the other girl he started dating, but I was comparing myself to her like crazy. But anyway, I wasn't actually scared that he would leave me for her. I guess the thought crossed my mind, but it had way more to do with ME than it did with HER (except the fact that I was comparing myself to her). And that's when I realized that my self esteem needed some major work. (OK, I knew it before, but this was the Janga piece that ended the game, I guess.)

If I have ever been attracted to it because of what my therapist suggested, it hasn't consciously crossed my mind. The reason I was interested in it in the first place was because I am attracted to girls, and it would be denying a part of me for someone to say "you're in a relationship only with me, and you cannot act on your attraction to women."

But it occurred to me...I don't need to be in a polyamorous relationship for this. There are lots of people out there who are basically monogamous but with bisexual people who are fine with their partners seeing someone of the same sex. Or at least, they're willing to try it. I'm sure it puts a strain on a relationship, and maybe the polyamory idea makes more sense to me because the person I am in the relationship with would "get it." Then, of course, I'd have to accept the possibility that they would start dating someone else as well, and that could be a real challenge for me, apparently.

I also thought about the idea of being in a committed relationship with someone before opening the relationship, and how that makes more sense to me because there's at least some stability in the commitment. I understand any relationship can end for any reason (death, falling out of love, whatever), but at least there's a commitment between the two people for the time being. I think it would reassure me when things get rough or when my jealousy comes up. And when my recent boyfriend started dating someone else, a polyamorous person I know asked me if I was getting what I needed out of the relationship. And I realized I wasn't, because I wanted that committed relationship, and he didn't. He started dating someone else before we had even had a chance to build that commitment, but he didn't even want to be committed to me, whereas I could have been with him.

At this point I'm just blabbering and getting my thoughts out. There's no real structure to this post, no conclusion, no offering of hope, no solutions, just...thoughts. If I come to any conclusions about all this, I will share it with you.

P.S. If you would like to get weird or interested or confused or intrigued looks, put a book called "Sex at Dawn" on the table next to you in a cafe.

Sitting at a table not quite outside but next to a big open window at a cafe, eating a scrumptious just baked butter croissant (ahhhhhhhh, yum...hopefully my stomach won't hate me later), sipping a decaf, and things are good. The barista, who is really cute I have to add, gave the woman in front of me in line her drink and said, "Something something AmeriCANo," like tuna can or soda can, not like Genghis Khan. Then he turned to me and said in a singsong voice, "I am...too weird...for this job..."

Barista guy at JJ Bean on 6th and Commercial, if you're reading this, you're cute. Let's go out.

(Uh oh, I just gave away my approximate location...So much for staying anonymous.)

Actually, on the subject of anonymity, I've decided to open this blog up to my Facebook community...And I still retain the right to say whatever I want. I'll try to leave the personal comments (as in, about other people) to a minimal.

In other news, yesterday, I had a sobfest. Just broke down, fell on the floor, beat my fists on the floor, the whole shebang. Haven't had one of those in a long time. It sucked, but it also felt good. I recommend it to everyone.

(This was me)

During the sobfest, I was obviously really upset, thinking about certain happenings in my life, screaming "Why me? Why me?" like Nancy Kerrigan after being hit in the leg with a crowbar:

My cat, Jack, curled up next to me on the couch and purred and snuggled up and I wished that humans could be like animals, loving unconditionally. What is it about humans that makes us think we deserve something in return for love? I'm guilty of it, too, I know this. And I'm not saying we don't deserve something in return for love, but...instead of just letting go and letting God (I can just sense some people cringing at this, but, whatever), and accepting love and not expecting anything in return, we scream and cry and rage when we don't get what we want out of love.

That's what I was doing, that's for sure. Can I imagine myself loving unconditionally? Not a chance. I hate to admit that, but it's true. Maybe someday, when I'm no longer human. In another life, when I am a cat.

(P.S. I'm sorry for the ugly lines above, I can't figure out how to make them go away...)

"Thank you for calling Your Relationship, please hold..."

Tom, formerly known as my boyfriend, and I have decided to put our relationship "on hold." That basically means we are broken up until further notice. He was going through some issues, and I am going through some issues. He and I are on different pages in terms of what we want out of a relationship. He wants to date around, and I've gotten that out of my system. It's not that I don't want to date around, but I'd be ok with developing a more serious relationship with someone, and that's not where he is at this point on his life's path.

Maybe we'll get back together in the future. Maybe we won't. It could take him years to get to the point where he wants to be more serious with someone. By that time, I might not be even in the picture anymore. I may have found someone else, or there are a whole myriad of other things that could happen. (Though, I do have to say, if we did come to a point where we thought we could be in a relationship again...Thank the universe for polyamory, right? That is, if that's where I am at that time...) There may be no possibility of having that kind of relationship with each other.

And strangely, I'm at peace with that. Normally I would be freaking out, really depressed that this didn't work out, I would wonder what's wrong with me. I'm not doing that, not right now, at least.

We talked about still keeping in touch, because we do really care about each other and want to see the other get better. (Without giving away too many details, an event in his life triggered some emotional hardships and kind of shook him up; I am dealing with health problems of various sorts, depression, anxiety, and self esteem issues that go back really far and are very deep rooted). At this point, I think we could even get together in between and just be friends and check in with each other. That thought actually makes me happy.

I have to admit, though, there is a little bit of hope inside of me that this could work out someday. He said last night that he thinks hope always has an expectation. I don't actually agree. I think hope is leaning more towards the possible positive outcome, but knowing that there is an equal chance of it not happening that way. I mean, we say, "I hope I don't miss my bus," but we know there's an equal chance that we will. Or, "I hope we can get back together in the future," but there's an equal chance that we won't. Or maybe I'm just pessimistic and seeing this in a pessimistic way, but it makes sense to me.

Either way, it's time for me to focus on my life and the things I need to change and work on. It's time to see my friends, meet new friends, write (every day!), work on my crafts with a friend of mine, meet with my pagan group, get healthy, exercise, raise my self esteem (or at least learn to treat myself with esteem, as my therapist says), lose weight, and be in the friggin moment.

That's right. The friggin' moment. Booyah.

So...


Here's what's been going on in my life so that you have a sense of where I am right now.


I have been dating someone for about 2 months, almost 3. Let's just call him Tom. Before this, I had been single for 2 years, and hadn't had sex in 1. I was actually doing just fine like that, albeit a bit lonely. I moved to this city after getting a work permit and wanting to be somewhere new and really find myself. That sounds horribly cliche, but it's the truth.


So, I started going to a meetup, and met Tom there. We had a few exchanges before he asked me out. And things have been rather rocky, and it's not because I don't like him or want to be with him.


It's because I wanted to be with him too much. This is what happens in all my relationships. I get attached really quickly, and soon I feel like I'm in love. (Hands up, ladies, if this sounds familiar.) I mean, it had been a month and a half and I was already there.


Or was I really?


I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now, and she's great. She actually told me that I should be writing to work through things. She reminded me that you can be with someone, have fun, go out, have sex even, and it's not necessarily love. (Wait...YOU CAN??? Why hadn't anyone told me this before? No, seriously, I just don't know if I've ever felt this because I get attached so quickly.) 


But she also reminded me that women nurture, and we care. And not very long into this relationship, my boyfriend experienced something that turned his world upside down for a bit, and his problems with anxiety that he has had for years came back (I guess they come and go and are triggered by trauma sometimes). So what did I do? I nurtured. I took care of him. And I thought I was in love because through that, we felt more connected.


I'm not saying we weren't connected on a deep level. My boyfriend even said at one point he thought he was falling for me (in response to me saying I was in love with him). And recently he told me he had changed his mind, basically.


See...From the beginning, we've had an open relationship. He started dating another girl, and I went nuts. I thought I was ready to handle it, but I was having a very hard time with it. There are deep rooted issues inside of me from the past that are keeping me from being able to let go and not be possessive of the person I'm dating (I'm not saying that people who are in open relationships never have these feelings, but I think there are people out there who are way better at managing them than I am at this point). And it wasn't just that I was jealous or worried he would leave me or anything like that. 


I realized that I lost myself. I thought we had a strong connection, but I was also investing too much of myself in it. And I thought we had a committed relationship. And I was wrong. He wants to "play the field" and he's not at the point of loving me yet. I'm not sure what changed his mind, but it changed.


And I realized that when I am in a relationship, that is my identity. It is a part of me. And that is not really a good thing, because...when something goes wrong, if we break up, I feel like a part of me has died. It sounds so horribly romantic, and that's the problem. We've grown up, as women, in this society that tells us we can have our knight in shining armour, that we'll be swept away and always protected, that as long as we have that person, we'll be ok. It's a total bullshit fantasy. Instead of teaching us that we are ok, and we will be ok, and it will be hard, but we will survive, we learned that we can't be ok on our own. And this socialization has become such a deep part of me that this leads to all these problems.


That's not to say that some women who have been socialized this way don't have wonderful experiences with their boyfriends, husbands, spouses, girlfriends, wives, whatever. Because there are plenty of people out there who are doing just fine with their "significant others" (I like saying that more than "better half"). And I know they have had realizations about themselves, whatever it may be, that have changed their worlds and rocked their boats. Because we all do.


In any case...The fact that I have such high expectations in my relationships, coupled with all these bad experiences I've had with guys in the past (and I'm sure you'll hear about them sometime, reader), has suddenly become totally apparent to me. And I need to go through the pain to heal from it.


So my boyfriend and I are taking a break. And I want to step back, rein everything in, go on dates, have fun together but not get serious, and take it easy. This is going to be extremely hard for me to do, but it's necessary. I have to believe that if things don't work out, I will be ok. My identity won't be damaged. I will still have all my parts. All my fingers, toes, my whole heart.


And it's also necessary for me to dig into these places deep down so that I can try this polyamory thing, really try it with all of its emotional components and crazy moments, but without feeling like the world is going to end when things are rocky. (There will be more about polyamory later.)


Thanks for reading my first post. If you've read this far, I'd love a comment, anything at all, so that I know people are actually reading! Thanks! :)