I have decided that every time I write or do yoga, I will put anything higher than a penny in a jar. Then I will reward myself with something when I have enough money saved up. This might take a while, but it's a good motivator, I think. I started reading a book called "Change Anything" a while back, and it says that when you have a goal, make it into a game. So, this is my way of making it into a game and rewarding myself. We'll see how it goes!

So, my topic today: Slut shaming.

I love Upworthy. They always have the BEST videos. So, this is a 13 year old talking about slut shaming, and it is worth 3 minutes of your time:

This makes me think about how when I was 13, I was so immature. I was still reading the Baby Sitters Club and worrying about my weight, not thinking about slut shaming and how it's a horrible thing. Geez. Was that something exclusive to me, or are kids just getting mature a lot faster now?

Well, anyway, she so has a point. She has many points. I feel like it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Which came first, the patriarchy or the slutty clothing? Let's face it, prostitutes have been around FOREVER. Ever since trading began, I'm sure. Prostitution is the oldest occupation, and I see nothing wrong with it, as long as they're being safe (using protection, able to protect themselves from scary clients, etc.). In fact, I think it should be legal.

I digress.

I love how she says: "Slut shaming is the unfortunate phenomenon in which people degrade or mock a woman because she dresses in tight or revealing clothing, enjoys sex, has sex a lot, or may even just be rumoured to participate in sexual activity. The message that slut shaming sends to women is that sex is bad, having sex with more than one person is horrible, and everyone will hate you for having sex at all."

A bit later she says, "It is nobody's business but your own how many people you're having sex with."

Amen, sista.

It's this kind of thing that gives polyamory such a bad name. For some reason, people think they should be involved in peoples' private lives, which is just stupid. If a conservative person were like "don't have sex with more than one person!" how would they like it if I pried into their private life and said "don't pray before bed!"...Ok, that's the only one I can come up with. Conservative people are boring.

Anyway, this culture of slut shaming we have has really paved the way for some screwy notions about sex. If we keep this up, girls are going to grow up feeling horrible about themselves, horrible about their natural sex drive, horrible about their bodies, they are going to feel like they're owned by other people because they think what other people say matters so much, some of them won't be able to even enjoy sex because the whole thing has been twisted into this evil thing...Oh wait, this is already happening.

I'm not sure how we can change this for the betterment of all women out there who want to enjoy sex, and for the girls who should grow up knowing sex is natural and enjoyable. I guess spreading this video and this message is one way. Things spread like wildfire on teh interwebs.

So go forth, link to the video, link to my blog!

Please?

And remember, kids: "If you've given your consent, if you're emotionally and physically ready for it, if you're using proper protection, and if you feel safe and comfortable with your partner, then sex is good. It is nobody's business but your own how many people you're having sex with or how much sex you have. And you don't deserve to be hated on for being sexually active with more than one partner."

Bam. Most mature 13 year old ever.

I wrote this E-mail recently, and I thought it sums my thoughts about polyamory up nicely:


"I'm learning a lot more about human nature, and how our monogamous society probably isn't actually our true nature at all, in fact, it's the opposite, but socialization is a very powerful thing, and we have all grown up being used to monogamy as the standard. But it seems like so few monogamous relationships are working these days, especially with our generation, so I think there's something to be said for that. And feelings of jealousy and entitlement and that kind of thing which may be our human 'nature' just have to be acknowledged, and talked about, and there has to be a lot of communication. Each person involved has to be honest with themselves and honest with each other. If not, THEN it's cheating ;) Relationships are hard no matter what form they take, and polyamory adds a whole new dimension to it, but I have seen it work. Also, it depends on how you define it 'working.' It could mean that someone is with someone else for the rest of their lives. If could mean that people are together for a time, maybe a long time, maybe not, but they learned a lot and had a really good experience together and got something out of it...That could also be seen as 'working.' So, it's a perspective thing really. It takes time, and practice, I'm learning. :) "


Wow, I feel so mature!!! =D


So, "Sex at Dawn." I just finished a part where they talk about how in many forager societies that exist today, they have found that the men all take care of the children, even the ones that are not "theirs." But, it is also ambiguous as to who the father is biologically, because there are no monogamous relationships. So the whole community takes care of the children as if they were all their own. I think that sounds wonderful. I think about how different I would be if I had grown up in a society like that, with lots of loving people taking care of me and my siblings and friends and cousins, etc. My views on sex would be totally different, I would probably be a happier, more secure person (though, spit me out into the society we have now, and that might have gotten really confusing, but let's assume the whole society is like this in my little scenario here). Actually, they found that children who grew up in societies like that are happy and have no issues with depression, at least in the ways we do in our society. (I'm sure there are times when they're sad, but it's a different kind of cycle than we have in our divided, individualized society.)


It's so fascinating.


I always thought it would be cool to live in a commune. Add a scenario like this, and it might be awesome. Though you'd probably be seen as crazy polygamists or something by everyone else if they knew what was going on. I happen to care about my reputation since I'm trying to have a career and whatnot, I must say.


(Though, I suppose if you live on a commune where everyone does everything together and supports each other through growing food and every other aspect of life, maybe you wouldn't need to have a "career" in the "traditional" sense. And I think most communes these days consist of people who have monogamous relationships, while doing everything else together. I say most. Probably not all.)


Since I have come to a big city with no family close by, I have started to realize just how separate we all are in this society. I mean, I knew it before, and I've lived briefly in big cities and visited them a lot. And I grew up mostly in the mountains in a tiny town, with neighbours who were visible from our house, but not close at all, not like in city neighbourhoods. So I have grown up rather separate from everyone else in society. In high school, I went to a very small school, which was a real community, except we didn't live together. But I saw these people every day, and the collaboration that I experienced there was really amazing and uplifting when I think back.


People needs communities. Dr. Andrew Weil says that one of the best cures of depression is not actually to curl up on your couch and feel sad (though, you should be in touch with your emotions and do that, too, just not on a regular basis), but to go spend time with others in social situations. It's the closest we're going to get in our society to having a community, unless we join a commune or leave the society completely to live with aboriginals in South America or Africa...


There are times when I like being alone, cuddling with my cats. But having a community is very important to me, and I have a few of them, here and back home. It's so important. I hope we can all find communities where we are accepted for who we are and supported in various ways.

I have seen this graphic before, but it's on the "Sex at Dawn" website as an excerpt from the book. I haven't gotten this far in the book, if it does indeed appear there. But it's really, really interesting. There are so many options to love and relationships, yet we all think we know what's best, especially for other people, instead of just letting them do what they want as long as they're not hurting anyone...

I just find it really interesting.

I haven't gotten very far in "Sex at Dawn," but it's already got me thinking, mostly about how everything we learned in school is apparently wrong, and I could see that. They mention that the popular view about female sexuality is that women just aren't that interested in it, which we all know is wrong. But, I think about myself and I'm like "I dunno, I don't have to have it every day or anything, there are days when I never think about it," but apparently men have constant boners and can't stop thinking about it (I'm exaggerating). So, I'm like, "If it's wrong that women aren't interested, then why am I just not interested most of the time?" I love sex, I really do, but it's not my goal every day to get laid. (And I'm not saying it is for guys, either...)

But anyway, because I haven't gotten too far in the book yet, I can't really have an opinion on all of it yet. It's kind of complex, but it's super interesting.

P.S. Sorry the type on the graphic is so small...It's the only version I could find...But I just discovered if you click on it, it gets a *little* bigger.

Update: I found a bigger graphic. This time if you click on it, it should be really easy to read.

Update to my update: Never mind. If it's embedded, it stays small. Here's a link to it BIG

So...


Here's what's been going on in my life so that you have a sense of where I am right now.


I have been dating someone for about 2 months, almost 3. Let's just call him Tom. Before this, I had been single for 2 years, and hadn't had sex in 1. I was actually doing just fine like that, albeit a bit lonely. I moved to this city after getting a work permit and wanting to be somewhere new and really find myself. That sounds horribly cliche, but it's the truth.


So, I started going to a meetup, and met Tom there. We had a few exchanges before he asked me out. And things have been rather rocky, and it's not because I don't like him or want to be with him.


It's because I wanted to be with him too much. This is what happens in all my relationships. I get attached really quickly, and soon I feel like I'm in love. (Hands up, ladies, if this sounds familiar.) I mean, it had been a month and a half and I was already there.


Or was I really?


I have been seeing a therapist for a few months now, and she's great. She actually told me that I should be writing to work through things. She reminded me that you can be with someone, have fun, go out, have sex even, and it's not necessarily love. (Wait...YOU CAN??? Why hadn't anyone told me this before? No, seriously, I just don't know if I've ever felt this because I get attached so quickly.) 


But she also reminded me that women nurture, and we care. And not very long into this relationship, my boyfriend experienced something that turned his world upside down for a bit, and his problems with anxiety that he has had for years came back (I guess they come and go and are triggered by trauma sometimes). So what did I do? I nurtured. I took care of him. And I thought I was in love because through that, we felt more connected.


I'm not saying we weren't connected on a deep level. My boyfriend even said at one point he thought he was falling for me (in response to me saying I was in love with him). And recently he told me he had changed his mind, basically.


See...From the beginning, we've had an open relationship. He started dating another girl, and I went nuts. I thought I was ready to handle it, but I was having a very hard time with it. There are deep rooted issues inside of me from the past that are keeping me from being able to let go and not be possessive of the person I'm dating (I'm not saying that people who are in open relationships never have these feelings, but I think there are people out there who are way better at managing them than I am at this point). And it wasn't just that I was jealous or worried he would leave me or anything like that. 


I realized that I lost myself. I thought we had a strong connection, but I was also investing too much of myself in it. And I thought we had a committed relationship. And I was wrong. He wants to "play the field" and he's not at the point of loving me yet. I'm not sure what changed his mind, but it changed.


And I realized that when I am in a relationship, that is my identity. It is a part of me. And that is not really a good thing, because...when something goes wrong, if we break up, I feel like a part of me has died. It sounds so horribly romantic, and that's the problem. We've grown up, as women, in this society that tells us we can have our knight in shining armour, that we'll be swept away and always protected, that as long as we have that person, we'll be ok. It's a total bullshit fantasy. Instead of teaching us that we are ok, and we will be ok, and it will be hard, but we will survive, we learned that we can't be ok on our own. And this socialization has become such a deep part of me that this leads to all these problems.


That's not to say that some women who have been socialized this way don't have wonderful experiences with their boyfriends, husbands, spouses, girlfriends, wives, whatever. Because there are plenty of people out there who are doing just fine with their "significant others" (I like saying that more than "better half"). And I know they have had realizations about themselves, whatever it may be, that have changed their worlds and rocked their boats. Because we all do.


In any case...The fact that I have such high expectations in my relationships, coupled with all these bad experiences I've had with guys in the past (and I'm sure you'll hear about them sometime, reader), has suddenly become totally apparent to me. And I need to go through the pain to heal from it.


So my boyfriend and I are taking a break. And I want to step back, rein everything in, go on dates, have fun together but not get serious, and take it easy. This is going to be extremely hard for me to do, but it's necessary. I have to believe that if things don't work out, I will be ok. My identity won't be damaged. I will still have all my parts. All my fingers, toes, my whole heart.


And it's also necessary for me to dig into these places deep down so that I can try this polyamory thing, really try it with all of its emotional components and crazy moments, but without feeling like the world is going to end when things are rocky. (There will be more about polyamory later.)


Thanks for reading my first post. If you've read this far, I'd love a comment, anything at all, so that I know people are actually reading! Thanks! :)