More and more, I'm starting to crave living without all these rules and restrictions.

It's Monday. I wake up to my iPod blasting music, and my cat rubbing against me. I'm also drenched in cold sweat (good old sleep problems, they never let you down in the discomfort department). Despite that last part, I want to turn my iPod off and stay in bed. Who doesn't, right? But I roll out of bed, and feed the cats, and sit down at the computer and eat a yoghurt.

I really want to go back to bed.

The 5 day work week is something I thought I wanted. I thought I wanted structure throughout the week and all that good stuff. More and more, I've been wanting to leave it all behind.

It's not something that is particularly possible right now, since I need to work full time to apply for permanent residency. But maybe in the future. I love the thought of being my own boss.

I actually don't mind getting up early. I don't mind being busy. But the thought of rolling out of bed, getting all ready for work, and getting to work only to sit down at a desk again makes me just want to crawl back into bed and never get out of it. It's so BORING.

The problem is, I don't know what I would do to have an income, except writing. And that is something I should in theory be working on outside of my job so that I can finally present something to a publisher or an agent or something. But I haven't been working on writing, except blogging. Blogging is great, but I don't think it's something I can quit my job for.

The other option would be going back to school to do something that can be more freelance, or without the restrictions of Monday-Friday, 9-5, sit at your desk until you rot. I've been seriously considering going back to school for journalism, but that's on hold until I get permanent residency. I'm not allowed to work and go to school at the same time with my work permit.

Back to writing - how do I get that great idea that I can sit down and hammer away at? Do I want it to be a novel, or a screenplay? Lately, working on my TV show that I started, like, last year is like pulling teeth. I sit down and draw a blank and feel totally unmotivated.

I feel like the joy of writing somehow disappeared for me. I used to write about anything, not caring if I finished it, not caring if it was good or not. I just loved writing and creating stories and characters. Then again, I was in high school, and I went to a school where I could choose what t do with my day instead of someone choosing for me. So I had a lot of free time to write. I don't have that now.

And it makes me want to quit my job so I can have more time.

Looks familiar...

Other options to make this possible: Find a sugar daddy (or mama?). Become homeless and wander the land. Move back in with my parents. Take out a mortgage but not actually buy a house. Save up like crazy for the next 10 years (because living in this town, that's how long it would take). Kill someone in my family so I can inherit their money.

OK I'm totally kidding about those, except maybe the saving up for 10 years.

(I just searched on Craigslist for "sugar daddy," out of curiosity. Now I really, really don't want to do that. Gross.)

If you have ideas, please, share them. I am all ears (eyes?).

Sitting at a table not quite outside but next to a big open window at a cafe, eating a scrumptious just baked butter croissant (ahhhhhhhh, yum...hopefully my stomach won't hate me later), sipping a decaf, and things are good. The barista, who is really cute I have to add, gave the woman in front of me in line her drink and said, "Something something AmeriCANo," like tuna can or soda can, not like Genghis Khan. Then he turned to me and said in a singsong voice, "I am...too weird...for this job..."

Barista guy at JJ Bean on 6th and Commercial, if you're reading this, you're cute. Let's go out.

(Uh oh, I just gave away my approximate location...So much for staying anonymous.)

Actually, on the subject of anonymity, I've decided to open this blog up to my Facebook community...And I still retain the right to say whatever I want. I'll try to leave the personal comments (as in, about other people) to a minimal.

In other news, yesterday, I had a sobfest. Just broke down, fell on the floor, beat my fists on the floor, the whole shebang. Haven't had one of those in a long time. It sucked, but it also felt good. I recommend it to everyone.

(This was me)

During the sobfest, I was obviously really upset, thinking about certain happenings in my life, screaming "Why me? Why me?" like Nancy Kerrigan after being hit in the leg with a crowbar:

My cat, Jack, curled up next to me on the couch and purred and snuggled up and I wished that humans could be like animals, loving unconditionally. What is it about humans that makes us think we deserve something in return for love? I'm guilty of it, too, I know this. And I'm not saying we don't deserve something in return for love, but...instead of just letting go and letting God (I can just sense some people cringing at this, but, whatever), and accepting love and not expecting anything in return, we scream and cry and rage when we don't get what we want out of love.

That's what I was doing, that's for sure. Can I imagine myself loving unconditionally? Not a chance. I hate to admit that, but it's true. Maybe someday, when I'm no longer human. In another life, when I am a cat.

(P.S. I'm sorry for the ugly lines above, I can't figure out how to make them go away...)

Good morning. Or afternoon or evening as the case may be.

This is day #2 of getting up earlier than usual before work and going to a cafe to write before work (hopefully this will become the usual). I'm sitting in the cafe on the ground floor of an office building across from my office building. In the midst of office buildings. So many office buildings. The only way we get sun in here is when it is directly above or when it reflects on the windows of the buildings. And that's when it's not raining.

Around me sit businessmen, in their suits, and their pressed shirts, and their ties. They chatter on their cell phones, their smartphones. (As a friend of mine once said: "Smart water, Smart cars, smartphones...Dumb people." She's so right.) As if the whole world depends on whatever business transactions they are doing today. There is a particularly round one who is trying to look down my shirt from across the room. Ugh.

Sometimes you can clearly see gender stereotypes in the office and business world. Because men aren't out hunting and gathering, they now have to be aggressive in their sales tactics and their negotiations. Though sometimes it can get downright out of control. I overheard someone in my company who will remain nameless on a conference call with two of my colleagues. Mr. No One, on the phone with another colleague with whom my company has nothing to do, was screaming at the top of his lungs, using a plethora of choice words. Something about stock, something something something. It was just nuts. But, crazy people aside...

I notice women in the business world really use their gender to get along. They tease their hair, they pile on make-up, they try to make themselves taller with their three inch heels. They wear low cut blouses. Of course, not all women are like this. Many women really are getting by on their talents and their expertise and their smarts. But I see a higher percentage (at least, in my mind) who try to use their looks to impress. Sometimes there are those who use their looks AND their smarts. They seem to be a rare breed. I'm not one of those people who uses their looks, but I do try to look nice at work, because that's what the culture calls for. It's all about culture. I sometimes I have to remember who I really am, what I really believe in, and stick to my guns.

I love my job. I really do. But for years, I had jobs that were fairly out of the norm. Retail, working on campus, etc. I seem to have forgotten about the rat race, the daily grind, the grindstone rubbing your nose raw. Sometimes I do feel like all that is left of my nose is blood and cartilage. (Too much?) I'm trying to figure out how to have a life, stay healthy, get exercise, write, and stay sane while getting up early every morning and not having any time to myself. I've also forgotten about competition, about impressing the boss more, about getting ahead by kissing ass so you can get a raise. That is not me, and unfortunately, that fact is not getting me ahead. Apparently having virtue and morals while trying to make a living isn't possible. But I try.

I've been really exhausted lately. I suspect I have a sleep problem, but it could just be that I'm exhausted. I'm waiting to hear back from a sleep specialist. But maybe it's just the repetitive schedule, sitting at a desk all day, staring at a computer all day until I feel like my brain is dripping out of my ears. I try to take walks on my breaks to get my blood flowing, but it doesn't always work. Then again, sometimes I walk up slight inclines and feel like I'm going to fall over and my heart is going to explode. That can't be normal. Bring on more doctors and specialists. I have been a pincushion for years now. The vampires and I are tight.

Anyone else having issues with the daily grind? How do you get through it? What do you do to stay sane? Be honest - do you find yourself putting a mask on to get through the day and get ahead?