I will be 28 tomorrow. The memes on Facebook are already appearing - "9/11 was an inside job!" and "Lest we forget." Reminds me of 11 years ago, when the whole thing happened, and I was just standing there, watching it, thinking, "Man this really sucks. I'm supposed to be celebrating my life, and I'm watching people die on TV. And it's real. Not a TV show. It's real."

I have more thoughts on this...But they will have to come tomorrow. I am dead tired, and my work gave me tomorrow off for my birthday. Sweet. I am sleeping in, bitches.

Update 9/11:

On the morning of 9/11/2001, my parents and I got up and had a birthday breakfast and they gave me presents as always. That started out totally normally. None of us had turned on the news, so we had no idea what had happened across the country. On the way to school, I was listening to the radio. They said the Twin Towers were hit, and I actually had no idea what the Twin Towers were. My boyfriend at the time (we carpooled to school together) got in the car and was like, "The Twin Towers were hit!" I told him I didn't even know what those were. He exclaimed, "You don't know what the Twin Towers are???" - "Nope," I said.

Well, it became clear to me very quickly what the Twin Towers were and what had happened. Everyone knows the whole story and what happened, so I won't go into that. At my school, we found an old TV and made bunny ears with tin foil so that we could watch what was going on. That TV was on all day long. I went to a school where you could basically do whatever you wanted all day, so the TV was sometimes on in the main room while no one was in it. Either way, it was on every time I walked in. But the whole thing didn't really hit me until later in the evening, when I was at my boyfriend's house and saw the news coverage of people jumping out of the buildings. I broke down in tears, and I remember wailing, "Why does this have to happen? On a day when I'm supposed to be celebrating being alive? And people are dying? Why is this happening?"

Of course, in the months afterwards, we got more and more news about what had happened, or what had supposedly happened. The Patriot Act was born, crafted with intricate words, unlike me, who had been crafted by my parents and born 17 years prior. The 9/11 investigation was published. I thought that had happened rather quickly. I thought something like this might take months if not at least a year to fully investigate, but when your government is (probably) partly at fault, I guess it's easy for them to get the information because they had it all along.

This is not a post about government conspiracies or anything like that. I will say, though, that some things really don't make sense. The Twin Towers were hit, and then the Pentagon was hit, and the pictures show a huge, gaping hole that looks nothing like it would had a plane hit it. But that's really not what I want to focus on here.

I was talking to a friend last night. He said his professors on that day kept saying that the world had changed. And I suppose, it had changed. It's amazing that something like this happens and it affects the rest of the world, not just your country. It affected every country that was getting oil from the Middle East. It started a war in Afghanistan that not just the United States was involved in. It carried over into the Iraq war. Years later, the leader of the group that carried out this attack is supposedly found and killed by the United States army. If nothing else, it changed the perspective people had on the United States. People had always loved the United States for one reason or another. This brought the whole world into a sort of solidarity with the United States. But...Why? There are tragedies that happen all over the planet. You don't see schools in Germany and North America letting kids out early because there are massacres happening in Africa. You don't have a moment of silence every day for the people who are victims of terrorism in the Middle East. But on this day, the most powerful country in the world gets attacked, and the whole world stands still.

I understand WHY it was this way in general. As I said, the US is the most powerful country on the planet, so people shut up and pay attention when something like this happens. I suppose that when things go badly for the US, the rest of the world worries what will happen to their countries because of trade and that kind of thing. So maybe people were more worried about the effect this might have on their countries in terms of economics.

But, for example, on July 22, 2011, in Norway, a "lone wolf terrorist" (as he's called on Wikipedia) attacked mostly adults with a car bomb in Oslo and mostly children on the island of Utøya. That was a horrible thing to have happened. Granted, not as many people died in that situation as in the attack on 9/11, and it got worldwide attention, but I'm sure no one was really allowed to leave school early that day, I'm sure they didn't have TVs on in every classroom. The world wasn't drastically changed that day. There were, however, many posts on Facebook about how horrible a tragedy it was and we should remember the victims. If Facebook had been around, I'm sure the same thing would have happened on 9/11, just like it does today in remembrance. Then again, there ware terrorist bombings on the London Underground on July 7, 2005. And then, lots of countries stood together in solidarity again, saying "this proves we need a war on terror! Us against them!" But isn't a crazy Norwegian guy who wants to kill children also a terrorist? Where were the countries standing in solidarity against him?

I just feel it's unfair to stop the whole world when something happens in the United States, but not when something happens in Norway. Lives were lost just the same. The life of a businessman in a Twin Tower is not more important than the life of someone working in the executive government quarter in Norway. Obviously, people in Norway were more shaken up about that situation than we were here, because Norway is a small country very far away. But it seems to me that people in places outside of the US were just as shaken up by 9/11 as people in the States. What makes it that way? How is it so engrained in the world's population's heads that the US is this more important place than anywhere else on Earth? If history were rewritten so that, I don't know, Canada was the most powerful country on Earth and not the US, and someone flew planes into a couple of their office buildings, would the world have reacted the same way? I think it probably would have.

This seems very confusing to me. On the one hand, we have this "grass is greener" complex as humans. I have met lots of people during my travels in Europe who have assumed that the US is an amazing place and better than where they lived. I've also met people who hate the US. But more so, people who are fascinated by it, and I think would jump at the chance to live there. They don't realize, sometimes, how good they have it in their own countries. (I'm talking Europe here, not, like, Africa. The US is definitely better than some countries in Africa, I hate to say it.) But at the same time, they are very proud of their countries. So they have this loyalty to their countries and their people, but they have a "grass is greener" complex.

Man, humans are weird.

I also find it kind of interesting how the world works in reaction to something like this. A bunch of countries (NATO) stood together to attack Afghanistan because of this whole thing. People get so angry, they want their tragedies avenged. I get that. But you would think that a bunch of countries standing together would promote peace, not more war. Or maybe that's just how I wish it would be.

Anyway, all this crap aside...9/11 was a horrible tragedy. Even if it had happened in another country, and even if the whole world hadn't stopped for that tragedy, it's disturbing. There were many victims, and they must be remembered. I have said before and I'll say again that the terrorists were also victims - of brainwashing, of a violent sect of their religion, and were victims in their deaths as well. Most people will not talk about how they can see why the terrorists were upset with the US and why they don't like them. Especially in the States. If you sympathize, you will be given an earful of patriotism, even sometimes by very liberal people. 

I'm just saying...The US is not the best country on Earth. It's far better than many other countries, yes. But it's not the best. And every country has its problems. People need to put the world into perspective and realize there is no place that is the best. We are all just people trying to get through every day alive. Mourn for the victims in tragedies all over the world. Tragedies in Africa, Asia, hell, even eastern Europe. Feel for everyone on this planet, because they are human, too. One human life is not better or worth more than another.

No, it's not the novel I've always dreamed of publishing, but it's a start.

I'm afraid to post the link to the article here, because while most people who read this blog know who I am, many do not, and I don't know if I want everyone knowing my name and whatnot.

But basically, an article I wrote was published on a site that I read almost daily, and I'm super excited that it happened! They also pay! *Gasp*

I have been working on said novel, however. I somehow got this great idea, after hearing about all this Todd Akin crap. It inspired a futuristic, speculative fiction type of story and I've been excited to write it every day, even if I only write for 5 minutes. I've been doing it by hand with a little notebook I carry around with me, because carrying my laptop is too heavy, and my tablet has some annoying habits in the word processor. And the notebook is leather bound and pretty and makes me think it's actually a book. It's all about appearances sometimes, kids.

Some things are looking up. On the other hand, I'm having a logistical nightmare importing my car into Canada and exporting it out of the US (that should be the other way around, but whatever). It's super complicated, and I was given wrong information before I even moved here, so that set everything into motion.

Last summer, I was told that since I'm only a temporary resident here, I don't have to import my car. Well, that's according to the Feds as I've found out. The province wants me to register it, and I was supposed to do that within 90 days of moving here, or something. Well, I didn't know that until well after 90 days. In order to register it, I have to import it. In order to import it, I have to export it.

The Registrar of Imported Vehicle's website says that you have to inform the US border that you are exporting the car at least 72 hours before you do so. It says you should have all your paperwork available. It lists the phone numbers of the US border crossings. What it does not say, however, is that you have to bring the car to the States if it's already out of the States, then submit the export paperwork (which you can ONLY do once the car is in the States), then leave the car for at least 3 business days (which does not include weekends or holidays), and only then are you able to export it. I didn't find this out until I contacted the border crossing and they're like, "Surprise!"

The other super fun thing about this is that my registration from the States expires, well, tomorrow. The Canadian border agency says that I should bring all my paperwork, and I asked about registration and insurance, and they said I should bring everything I have. Which makes me think they might look at my registration. Which means if it's expired, there might be complications. So my mother is at the registry office in the States right this minute trying to register the car while I'm up here.

Logistical. Nightmare.

When this is over, I am going to throw a party or something. Get really drunk and celebrate that it's been done and I don't have to worry about it anymore.

The next thing I'll have to worry about is applying for permanent residency. But that's a whole 'nother story...

I get to deal with this twice next week...Yay.

P.S. This is my 50th post! Huzzah!

This article on xoJane has restored my faith in what I am doing with my life.

You should read it, even if you don't read the rest of my post here. It's about fat shaming, not judging a book by its cover, all that good stuff.

The basic gist is summed up really well in the following:

"To paraphrase Marilyn Wann: The only thing you can tell for sure by looking at a fat person is the degree of your own bias against fat people."

"A stance against fat-shaming is not a matter of trying to make anyone feel bad for enjoying exercise/being vegan/wanting to lose weight. After all, there are lots of fat people who enjoy exercise immensely. There are lots of fat people who are vegan. There are fat people who do all kinds of things, because fat people exist in a dizzying variety of perspectives, experiences and lifestyles. Just like not-fat people."

"I choose not to diet, not to try to lose weight...my body’s dramatic response to starvation (and really, that’s what a diet is) makes it impossible for me to lose weight and still have a life that is at all worth living. My priorities are different..."

"Even for those few who manage to beat the odds and maintain a significant weight loss long-term, the price is constant vigilance, and I can’t live with that degree of food obsession and also be at all mentally stable...You may not understand this. That’s cool. We don’t have to fully get each other; we just need to mutually respect one another."

I don't think I'm fat. Sometimes I think I LOOK fat, but I don't think I am fat. I have decided to do what Lesley (the author of the above article) is doing - shifting my priorities to what is healthy, regardless of how it will make me look, and enjoying things in life instead of obsessing over things that distract me from the things in life that I should be paying attention to, like time with friends, or a really awesome piece of cheesecake, or even doing yoga (or writing run-on sentences, apparently).

The one thing that I ask myself is, "Will my body let me do things like yoga, take walks, jog, or hike?" If I am sitting around a lot eating fries and hamburgers every day, it's going to be harder to do the physical things I want to. That is one thing that bothers me about having a desk job; it's like I can feel my arteries withering up from too much sitting.

But in reality, I can do those things, and while I'm still trying to get back into things like jogging and hiking, and it's going slowly, I know I will get there again. And I may not lose a ton of weight in the process, and that's fine. As long as I'm feeling well enough to do those things, I don't really care. I can have a huge pudge and a round ass, as long as I can climb a mountainside without feeling like I'm going to die!

I want to feel comfortable in my skin, regardless of what people think. There have been times in my life when my family members have made comments about my weight (fat-shaming, even if they meant well), which was always really hurtful, because I feel like I gained weight very quickly and it just has been a huge struggle to lose it since then. It's like I was a skinny kid one day, then I hit puberty and the next day I gained a bunch of weight. But I'm trying to put those comments behind me and focus on feeling good, whether that means I have curves and or I don't. I also know that my boyfriend would be really sad if I didn't have my curves anymore. But I'm not doing any of this for him or for anyone else, I'm doing it for me. (By "doing it" I mean focusing on my health and what makes me feel good.) I'm not doing it for the media who think I'm not toned enough, I'm not doing it for my mother, I'm not doing it for my sister, I'm not doing it for my father, I'm not doing it for my friends...I'm doing it for me. Trying to find the happy medium where I feel good and balanced, healthy and lively and alive and strong.

Damn girl! That's hot! (Though it makes me sad that the website it was on had an ad for losing weight with Slimband...Totally not the point. By the way, this model is Tara Lynn, and she's like "I don't care what the scale says, yo!" OK, maybe she didn't say "yo," but that was basically what she said.)

OK for once I am actually NOT tired. This has been a good week in terms of fatigue, and that could be due to the fact that I've exercised pretty much every day. Except I may not today. I really need to cook and do laundry. Maybe I can dance around the kitchen while I cook or something.

My life has been good, honestly. But, I warn you, there will probably be some moaning in the paragraphs ahead.

My period is about to start, so I feel like crap. Whenever it's about to start, the day, or two days, before it does, I start feeling reeeeeal bad about myself. I start looking at other girls and comparing myself to them and seeing all my faults. Like today, I feel fat. My stomach is pooching out too much. Woe is me. I also start looking at my own life and finding everything that is wrong with it. "My life isn't going anywhere, my boyfriend doesn't compliment me as much as I wish he would, I don't want to do this job anymore, I wish I could be more flexible in my work, I wish I were a writer, I wish I had more time to write, I don't have enough money to do the things I want to do, I don't have enough time to do what I want to do." Etc. etc. etc. It just spirals down from there.

Then I start thinking about those memes. You know, like this...

...Of course I go on Google trying to find an example and there's, like, nothing. WTF?

OK, like this:

Or this:

OK granted I really like those quotes, and any other day I would be like "yay, I'm going to print that and put it on my bathroom mirror so I see it every day!" (Do I ever do this? No...) But on the day before it's time to surf the crimson wave, I'm like, "FUCK YOU INSPIRATIONAL MEME. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME. MY LIFE ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE, MY BOYFRIEND DOESN'T COMPLIMENT ME AS MUCH AS I WISH HE WOULD, I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS JOB ANYMORE" (insert the rest of my aforementioned list here).

What is up with my hormones? I know this happens to, like, everyone else who gets their period. But for me, it's the day or two before it starts, then I get it and I feel bloated and tired and like I want to eat all the junk food on planet Earth, but I don't feel all bad about myself. It's just the day(s) before. So weird.

Does anyone know what happens to our hormones in our bodies when we're about to get our periods? Would be interesting to find out.

Anyway, right now, I feel like I'm stuck. I'm at a dead end job, and I don't take the initiative to change that (like, sitting down and fracking writing something so I can try to get published). Don't get me wrong, when I have things to do at work, I like my job. But lately, I've been sitting there...staring at the screen, bored...Actually, even if I have things to do, I don't want to do them.

Where's my motivation? What killed it? What do I do about it? I have no clue. It's like the fact that nothing is moving in my life is making me also not move. Oh wait. I think it's the other way around. When I don't move, my life doesn't move. So what am I supposed to do?

I sometimes feel like one day, I just won't come into work, I'll quit silently, never go back, and do whatever the hell I want. (Hands up if you've ever felt like doing this.) I actually have done that in the past. I called in one day and said "I'm not coming in anymore." And that was that. I didn't worry about the consequences, I just did it because I was unhappy being at that job and I had to get out of there. Now, I go, "But my bills! My rent! My cats! My this, that, and the other thing!"

So my conclusion is...I need balance. I've had this idea to work part time and work on writing the other part of the time. I don't know if I can do it financially, and I certainly can't yet, and I don't know if I'll be able to save up enough money to be able to do it in the next year. But, it's something I'm seriously considering. Until then? Finding any spare minute I can to work towards something productive, like a novel, or a screenplay, or something. I want to be my own boss. Well, I should probably start working on that now before I end up 50 and sad I didn't try.

Alright memes. You win. This time.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. Life, that is. Not when I'm feeling so tired all the time. It was better for a few days, and now it's back.

I think there are a few possibilities here:

1. My medication. I started taking Celexa in 2006, then stopped in 2011 and started Cymbalta. I took that for a year, but I was tired all the time, so I started Celexa again because I never had major fatigue problems with Celexa. I started it again in February 2011, and in March, suddenly started feeling tired and have felt that way since Maybe in the year I wasn't taking Celexa, my body changed somehow so I now have a different reaction to it.

2. I'm understimulated at work. Well, this is something I know already. There are times when I have things to do and I'm engaged all day. There are more times that I am bored, staring at my computer screen, falling asleep. So maybe sitting here so long is what is making me so tired. My body isn't moving enough, my brain isn't working enough, and I'm turning into a puddle of jelly in business casual clothes.

3. I'm not exercising enough outside of work. Yeah, I was doing yoga every day and feeling better. But one thing happens that takes you out of the routine, and it snowballs and soon you find you haven't done yoga in a month. Ok that's not true. I've gone to some classes. But between money problems and being busy, yoga has taken a backseat. Not good. I need to schedule it somehow, just like I would any other activity in my life. If someone asks if I want to get together on Thursday at 6, I say "no, I can't," because I have a date with my yoga mat. I've been thinking about getting a monthly pass at a yoga studio. They offer tons of classes and it's cheaper to do that than it is to keep dropping in at different places. But, then I realized I could pay around $60 for a YMCA or YWCA membership, where they offer lots of classes, and not just yoga, and I could even go there on my lunch break and use the yoga studio when it's not being used. Booya. So that's the plan now.

Sorry this post isn't very controversial or thought-provoking. It's just me whining and moaning about how hard my life is. I saw a video today that was a white, middle aged, middle class guy talking about how white guys should stop complaining so much. He said something along the lines of, "When women are taking all your job and getting paid more than you are, I'll complain with you, I'll be in the front of the line at the protest. But until then, shut up." And it got me thinking about how I struggle almost every day with this fatigue stuff, and other things, and I wonder if I can really justify complaining. I have it so much better than so many people. I have a roof over my head, an income, a great family, great friends, a hot boyfriend, I'm not dying of cancer (that I know of), I have food in my fridge, clean running water, and I can wear whatever I want every day (within reason). But...when you're not feeling well most of the time, it's really hard to be grateful. You just don't have the energy. It's hard to say "I have it so much better than all those starving kids in [INSERT COUNTRY HERE]," because when you don't feel well, it's hard to enjoy what you have. And you may have a roof over your head, but you don't feel well enough to acknowledge it.

Yeah, yeah, I know everyone admires those cancer survivors who are like, "I survived cancer, I can do anything, I'm thankful for every second I have!" And that's great. Good for them. But the reality is that most of us who are struggling can't summon up that much positivity. I feel like my body is breaking down, people. I'm so sorry if I can't be happy sunny shiny all the time. I'm so sorry if that pisses you off or makes you uncomfortable. I'm so sorry that the way I deal with this doesn't match what you think I should do. I'M SO SORRY THIS IS MY LIFE AND NOT YOURS.

People don't get it. They don't understand what it's like to be in someone else's body. They can give all the suggestions they want, they can say they understand, they can claim they have some answers, but most of the time, they don't.

I know what I have to do. I know I have to get back into my yoga routine and do more exercise. I know I shouldn't let anything stop me. I just have to keep telling myself that. So please, just let me be frustrated about this in my own way. Understand that I have to sometimes back out of plans we've made. Understand that I can't be as social as I want to be right now. Understand that I'm in a unique situation and that it frustrates me just as much as it probably frustrates you.

I'm disturbed by this masculinist movement.

OK, so, I get that feminists came in and they went all extreme and were like "we're tired of being walked all over by men! Men suck! Women rule! Boys drool!" *Battle cry* ...And the like. They really went extreme, so I understand why men would react and become "masculinists." But I think it's dangerous to go either way. Dangerous because it creates just another uneven playing field, which we know does not bode well for society. And not only is it dangerous, it's also just stupid!

I was walking down the street with my boyfriend one day and ran across these posters on a telephone pole:

So, we have masculinists in the city where I live, apparently. OK, I'm going to give it away, after not saying it outright all this time. We have masculinists in Vancouver. (Most of the people who read my blog know it's me anyway.)

What really bothers me about these pictures is the idea that people are saying all men are rapists and men can stop rape. First of all, I don't know anyone saying all men are rapists. I know there are people saying that in some areas of the world, a very high percentage of rape is done by men. But all men? Don't think so. Not even extreme feminists say that ALL men are rapists. And saying "men can stop rape" is a bad thing? Men CAN stop rape. Men who rape can stop. They can choose not to. Unless they are really deranged, I suppose, but then they should probably be in an institution being taken care of, and there's not enough of that going on either (that's a whole 'nother blog post). But yes, men CAN stop rape. They can stop themselves from doing it, they can educate others. That goes for women, too, of course. Women can educate not just men, not just women, but PEOPLE about rape.

Then the second sign. "Sperm! My body! My choice!"

OK, I don't disagree that men have the right to choose to do whatever they want with their bodies, just like women do, but...This just doesn't make any sense. Men produce sperm for their whole lives. Just look at Hugh Hefner - men have sex, and ejaculate, until they are OLD. (I don't know for a fact that Hugh is still ejaculating, but I'm willing to bet he's having a pretty good time in his mansion.) Women can have sex until they're old, but making babies? Not so much. Not after a certain point. Women have limited eggs and limited time to procreate. So, implying that male sperm is somehow being limited is just, well, weird. And I haven't heard ANYONE say, "Men should not be allowed to get vasectomies!" So, what are they complaining about anyway?

My biggest issue with these types of things is the extremism. I don't like extreme feminists, and I don't like the above. I am an equalist, and lots of people will say that it could never happen, with human nature and society we can never be totally equal, blah blah blah. Maybe not. But we can try. We can start treating people with the respect we want to receive from them (the golden rule anyone?). We can stop saying men are better than women, women are better than men. We can acknowledge that we are all on our own paths making our own journeys through life, and no one has a right to say what is the right way to do it. (I mean, unless people are getting hurt in the process, and yes, you can argue that abortion hurts people, but...Let's just not go there, ok? The point is, if someone chooses to do that to themselves, fine. There are people who choose to hurt themselves, not just by abortion but in other ways, and they, in my opinion, are allowed to do that...To themselves. I'd rather they didn't, but who am I to say they can't? When it comes to hurting someone else, on purpose...Yeah, not so much. I digress!)

So, we have the Vancouver Men's Right's Activism group. Their homepage says: "The MRM is a non-violent, non-political movement comprised of men and women who believe, based on a growing body of evidence that the human rights of males are being systematically removed by activists, lobbyists, politicians and academicians who cling to a misguided and wrongheaded belief that masculinity is fundamentally violent or harmful."

Non-violent. Cool. I can get behind that. Non-political? I'm not so sure that's true, especially since they think the human rights of males are being removed, which involves politics, sorry to say. (And is "academicians" a word?) I can also get behind the fact that they feel they're being wronged. Fine. But I still say: no one is telling a man they can't get a vasectomy. No one is telling a man they can't have a job. No one is giving a man a lower paycheque JUST because they're male. Etc.

And it goes on: "A few examples include that Men die roughly 5 years earlier than women, men commit suicide at 4 times the rate of women. In addition, 93% of workplace deaths are male, and while courts enforce financial obligations to women with children,  they have no reproductive rights." What other circumstances are going on here? Why are men dying 5 years earlier? Why are they committing suicide? Maybe it has NOTHING to do with feminism or whether or not males can do whatever they want. Maybe it has to do with something completely different. Maybe it's just coincidence. And where did that data come from anyway? I'm not going to believe something someone just slapped on the internet and called it truth. As for reproductive rights, they kind of have a point there, but I have definitely heard of cases where men were able to get custody because the circumstances with the mother were not right or safe. And if men are complaining about having to pay money to help keep their children healthy, educated, and safe - then they probably shouldn't want to have anything to do with their kids anyway, because kids take MONEY. Hate to say it, but it's true.

This concludes my little rant about this silly masculinist movement. Everything is being completely blown out of proportion, just like early feminists and many feminists today blow their situations out of proportion. Equalism, baby. Equalism.

I'm frustrated. I don't have cable right now because I can't afford it, so watching the Olympics has been almost impossible. I can find live streams, but those are usually happening when I'm at work. There are NO videos of things after the fact, at least, none that I can find. I have really wanted to watch fencing and the equestrian sports, and because it's not that popular, I haven't been able to find videos. I was able to find a video of the women's gymnastics, another sport I like. Sigh. It seems weird to me when corporations are able to determine when and how you get to see things that are supposed to be international, countries coming together to compete in a friendly way and put aside their differences. Apparently NBC is only showing delayed videos and nothing live. That's just weird.

Of course, the only gymnastics video I found was from an American station, so they're really focusing on the Americans and not on the other countries. I really wanted to see Canada compete, it's the first time they've gotten to the finals, apparently.

I do have to say, though, the Americans are so strong.

Anyway. Speaking of athletes, I read an article saying that a lot of people compare themselves to athletes when it comes to body image and weight loss, which is really not healthy. Athletes are special, not everyone on the planet is going to look like an athlete or be an athlete. They have to eat very specific foods, they train like crazy, they aren't just normal people on the street. Why do we put people on such pedestals and try to be like them instead of just being happy with who we are, what we have, and how we look? (This is more of a rhetorical question...I don't have an immediate answer, except - society and culture. Somewhere down the line someone really screwed it up for people, making image and looks one of the most important things in life, especially girls.)

This is a bit of a random post, and I apologize for that. I hope you are all able to catch the Olympics, unlike me!

(Where does the blue part come from anyway?)

I went to a Chinese wedding with "Tom" on Sunday. It was his high school friend's wedding. Honestly, it was awesome. The ceremony was kind of religious, they quoted from the Bible and whatnot. It was also done in Chinese and English, which I thought was pretty cool. The reception was at a restaurant, and there was TONS of food. I was so stuffed by the end. The bride had this nice dress that was sequined yet pretty simple, and her she changed into a red dress partway through the reception (I learned new things that night - apparently red is very lucky in Chinese culture). The groom got super drunk at the reception, doing shots with everyone. It was nice meeting some of Tom's high school friends, too. Like we've gotten to that point in our relationship where we introduce each other to our friends. OK, it's more like we've gotten to that point in Tom's relationship with me where he introduces me to his friends. He had already met some of my friends the first time we dated. Anyway, it's nice to know that he is comfortable enough to do that now. Also, we experiened another rite of passage - making our relationship "official" on Facebook (but of course as an open relationship). I have learned I just need to be patient with him and wait things out. Which is fine by me. I want to take things slowly, too.

Anyway, at this wedding, I couldn't help feeling kind of warm and fuzzy. I'm not really into the typical idea of marriage. I don't really see the point, and I don't really want the church or state to be involved in my decision to have a long term committed relationship with someone. I think it's great when people get married, and I'm happy for them. But the typical marriage thing...I don't know. However, I do like the fact that people celebrate their choice to be in a long term, committed relationship. (I want to specify here that by committed I don't actually mean "til death do us part." I actually mean being committed to working things out together when times get tough, being there for each other through thick and thin, maybe even starting a family together. It doesn't mean you have to be married on paper to have this kind of relationship. And it doesn't mean you have to be monogamous to have this kind - or even traditional "on paper" married - relationship. And in either scenario, things can change. Marriages fall apart, long term "not on paper" relationships fall apart. You have to realize that no matter what scenario you're in. Just wanted to make that clear.)

So, I feel conflicted. There's the feminist, modern, 21st century part of me who is like "fuck this marriage crap. It's antiquated and it was only designed to acquire land and for nobles and royalty to get land and power and wealth." Then there's this other part of me that actually wouldn't mind having some sort of celebration to mark starting a life with someone, not necessarily til death do us part, but for the time being. Then there's this OTHER other part of me that wants to be secure in a relationship for the rest of my life (but the former 2 parts remind that part of me that that is kinda unrealistic).

I look at my cousins - one has gotten married and another is getting married next spring. I'm really so happy for them. I have friends who have gotten married recently, and I'm super happy for them, too. I knew two people who had a ceremony but didn't sign any marriage certificate or anything, so they went a few years, then decided not to renew their vows and went their separate ways (I like that idea, a lot). No matter what people choose to do, it's their choice, it's their life, and I support that as long as they are happy. (Though, even if they are not happy, that's their choice, too...) Hell, if 3 people want to get married to each other, I'm happy for them, too.

I guess a big problem I have with marriage is how it's so rigid. 2 people, and in the US and many other countries, just one man and one woman. That's what bugs me. The government and the church feel the need to tell us what arrangement is right and which are not allowed. That seems pretty twisted to me. So while I wouldn't mind having that ceremony I talked about earlier, I feel like getting the government involved would show that I somehow support this rigid, intolerant structure. So I think I'll stick to handfastings maybe, jumping over a broom and calling it a day. ;)

This?

Or this?

Or this?

 (This could be any combination of genders, this was just all I could find. /Disclaimer)

According to this article, "experts" are saying pot might become legal, and soon. And of course, people are freaking out.

"Caulkins said one of the main reasons for outlawing the drug is to make it riskier to produce and sell, driving up prices and curbing use.  A price collapse after legalization in some states could undermine marijuana laws nationally." OK, Mr. Caulkins, professor at Carnegie Mellon, aren't there ways to create the laws so this doesn't happen? Legalize marijuana and stipulate that there will be price restrictions or something?

Further down in the article: "One option would be to impose strict limits on how much of the drug retailers could sell to each customer." Bam. There you go. Actually, I know dispensaries in Colorado are not allowed to sell more than 2 ounces per day to a certain customer. Unfortunately that does mean that the customer can go to another dispensary and buy 2 more ounces that day, because there is nothing linking the dispensaries together to see if they have bought anything at other dispensaries. (Maybe someone should make a database that all dispensaries have access to...)

The article goes on to say, "Caulkins said Colorado’s proposition would allow residents to obtain a grower’s license fairly easily, making the state a good home for exporters of marijuana.

'They would be able to provide marijuana to New York state markets at one quarter of the current price,' he said, predicting similar price declines in other states."

If we were to compare pot to alcohol...Technically, you are not allowed to buy alcohol and take it to another state, according to this BBC article - I imagine you have to be some sort of "exporter" in order to distribute your brand nationally or something. I know the laws about alcohol are determined by each state, not by the federal government. (Another reason I wonder why the United States is called "United" if the states just do whatever they want.) And maybe it depends on which state you're in, maybe some states allow you to take alcohol out, and some don't.

I digress.

If they make the federal laws from the beginning that you are not allowed to "export" marijuana from state to state, then that solves that problem. I don't see why that wouldn't be an option. When Congress passes a law, they can write whatever they want in it, so why doesn't that get added?

Then you get the question about regulation. The Republicans are all about small government (yet they want to control what you put in your body and what you do with your body...hmmm...), and the Democrats don't seem to mind a little regulation. Alcohol is regulated, as I explained above. You can't take alcohol from Delaware into Pennsylvania? You can't drink unless you're 21? Bars have to close by a certain time at night? You can't sell liquor on Sunday in some states? Etc. etc. That's regulation. So, regulate marijuana. Doesn't seem that hard to me. Eliminate the middle man (and eliminate the "gateway drug" theory, which really only happens when people get pot from a dealer who then introduces them to harder drugs - you don't get that in a dispensary; I should know, I used to work in one), regulate how it's distributed and who can purchase it, and that's that.

In case you can't tell, I'm in favour of legalization. I think it's ridiculous that it is not regulated for adult use. And I think it will be legalized, and soon. Probably in my lifetime. Because things are changing so rapidly. More and more states are adopting medical marijuana laws. More and more people are coming out saying they are in favour of it. Alcohol was made legal again first by prescribing it medicinally. Now we know that alcohol is damaging to our system, and we wouldn't prescribe it medically. Yet we don't have much evidence saying marijuana is damaging (except that smoking it is not a good idea). So if it's safe for your body, why not have it legal? Education is a must, of course. Kids need to learn to use it responsibly, just like with alcohol.

I see no problem with it at all, and many people would back me up.

The government is supposed to represent the people, and let the people decide what they want. Over half of Americans polled are in favour of legalizing marijuana. Doesn't that say something? Shouldn't the government be listening to what the people want?

Oh wait. I forgot. They don't care. The people don't want poverty, but we still have it. The people don't want minimum wage to be so low, but it still is. Etc. etc.

I guess all we can do is hope, and talk, engage in dialogue about these things, write our Congressmen (and women!), and vote. That's probably the most important thing: VOTE.

The original is here.

I feel a little bit morbid, obsessively following the news about this tragedy. It's part morbid fascination, part wanting to honour the people who were shot (even though I don't know them), and part fear that this could happen anywhere, anytime. What were the signs something might happen? What was going through his head? Why would he do something like this? Did he really do it so that a hero would "jump out of the screen," as the writer in the post linked above suggests? Also the fact that I am from Colorado makes me more sensitive to the issue. There was a horrible accident in Texas where more than 10 people died, but I don't have a connection to Texas like I do to Colorado, so it's harder for me to sympathize.

I think being a writer makes me think about these things so much, to build characters. After 9/11, I obsessively watched the news and scoured the internet. Same thing with the West Memphis 3, which happened when I was like 8 (I believe I was the same age as the kids who were killed), but I found out about it later in high school and joined the effort to clear the West Memphis 3's names. I have this weird obsession with cults, too. I like to read about them and wonder why people turn out the way they do, what made them into these crazy religious leaders, and why people follow them so faithfully.

(No, this doesn't mean I'm going to repeat the things I've read about, don't worry.)

 Anyway, back to the post. He says, "It’s true there was no Batman sitting in the theater to fly down and tackle James Holmes, as he hoped there might be. He had tactical assault gear covering his whole body, ready for America to fight back." What's driving me crazy about this whole thing is James Holmes just WILL NOT talk. I imagine more will come out when the trial actually happens, but right now it's maddening not knowing why he did what he did, if there was actually motivation behind it, if he just snapped, and if so, why it took him so long before to actually do it (based on the fact that it apparently took months to set up the explosives in his apartment). And on that note, what was up with the apartment anyway? Why did he rig it?

A bit further down he says, "That is one of our obvious strengths, but it is not our greatest strength. America’s awesome strength to fight is overwhelmed by its irrepressible strength to love. James Holmes took 12 lives Friday. Love saved 58 lives. Policemen on the scene in minutes, strangers carrying strangers, nurses and doctors activated all over the city." I find this sentiment interesting, because yes, it is true, there are so many people who live their lives for others, selflessly giving their time and efforts and expertise to keep people safe, to help people, to heal people...Even to help you find that perfect pair of pants or checking you out at the grocery store, or cleaning your office building after hours. All of these things are so important, and every little bit counts. While at the same time, the government does corrupt things all the time, kills innocent people in wars, doesn't give them health care, allows homeless people to freeze and starve, etc. etc. So while the individuals are doing good things, trying to get through every day, holding doors for people in the mall, giving flu shots, and who knows what else, the collective, the umbrella that is supposed to protect us is not. Individuals feel this love for each other as he says in the post, but the government doesn't (no matter how often or how loudly they say they do). It's interesting how things can be so different on different scales - the large scale and the small scale. Just like he says, "The awe of last night is not that a man full of hate can take 12 people’s lives; it is that a nation full of love can save 300 million lives every day." A nation, yes. The people, maybe. But the powers that be? Not so much.

Granted, the structure of a country is what sets up people to "love" each other and generally do good things. America is not the most horrible country on the planet, that's for damn sure. But there are some things that could be a LOT better, especially for a developed country. No country is perfect, but some are doing some things a little better.

"The answer is we love back. We live back. We deepen our commitments to all the unnumbered acts of kindness that make America an unrendable fabric."

"So while James Holmes settles into the cell where he will spend the rest of his life, wondering what we will do to fight back, we will love back. We will go to a park this afternoon and play soccer, we will go to the playground and restaurants and movie theaters of our city all weekend and all year."

These are nice sentiments. They are mostly true. But he says, "We will love back." Yet, so many people are commenting online on the pictures of Holmes in the court room, saying he should burn in hell, he's a "chickenshit motherfucker," he's a coward, he makes them sick, he should die, etc. etc. I wholeheartedly agree that he did a horrible thing, but I believe every person has the potential for good. This does not excuse him, but come on, he is still a human being. Justice should be served, yes, but do immature comments online really help anything? And if we are going to "love back," why are they pursuing the death penalty? There's nothing loving about the death penalty.

I like the last paragraph: "In a movie theater in Aurora 50 years from now, one of last night’s survivors will be waiting in the popcorn line and mention that he was in Theater 9 on that terrible summer night in 2012. And inexplicably, with an armful of popcorn, a total stranger will reach out and give that old man a huge hug and say, 'I’m so glad you made it.'" Because no matter what you think about James Holmes, or the situation in general, it was tragic, people died, families were hurt and are suffering, and it's an awful thing to have happened. No one is going to deny that, least of all me.

So, I like the post overall. I think it sends a message of hope, overcoming, and he pretty much suggests that by being good people, we can can fight back, and maybe even prevent something like this happening again - at least, that's my take on it, because he says:

"My friends were texting me that they had plans to take their kids to Batman tonight but were now afraid to go. Others who were going to play pick-up basketball or go out to dinner were now afraid to leave home. They thought they would bunker down in their home and wonder, 'How do we fight back?'

The answer is we love back. We live back. We deepen our commitments to all the unnumbered acts of kindness that make America an unrendable fabric. We respond by showing that we will play harder, and longer. We will serve more meals, play more games, eat more food, listen to more jazz, go to more movies, give more hugs, and say more 'thank yous' and 'I love yous' than ever before."

 I think he has a point there. If we would just stop thinking about ourselves so much and be in the moment with those we love, talk respectfully, have fun together, hold the door for people more, say thank you more, tell people you love them more...Maybe society would be lifted up by that, and maybe in a small way it could prevent something like this in the future, especially when children see people behaving in that way.

Sadly, it won't change the whole world, and it won't change all of society. I do believe that it can change in the future, but it will take a long, long time to get there. But maybe what he's suggesting is a good start.

 

The victims of the 2012 Aurora shooting

There has been a lot going on lately: Work, play, keeping the house at least somewhat presentable (yeah, right), yoga, etc. I have been trying to get up early to write before work, and that just hasn't been happening. I feel like my health is slipping backwards again, and the fatigue is coming back. I'm ready to go to my doctor and say, "ok, we've looked at obvious things, let's look at not-so-obvious things." It feels like something physical. Maybe the key is doing yoga every day again, maybe the key is 9 hours of sleep per night like my physiotherapist suggested. Or maybe there really is something wrong.

When I'm tired all the time, my creativity suffers, because my brain doesn't feel like it operates at its full capacity. Not only do I feel like I have nothing to write about, but writing it in a witty or creative way is even difficult. So, I apologize for not updating, and for my updates to potentially be boring.

Something that I've been thinking about a lot lately is the shooting in Aurora, Colorado. Colorado is my home state, but I don't live there anymore. When I first heard about it, I was pretty shaken up. I have friends in Aurora, who are Batman fans, and would have potentially gone to a midnight showing of the newest movie. I didn't know any of the victims, however. It's so tragic. I don't understand how people can be so crazy, and I don't think anyone ever will. I actually think something that makes people do these things is, well, society. We go on about how people should "fit in" and act a certain way, and think a certain way, otherwise they are on the fringe and they are "crazy." But honestly, the way we live is pretty damaging, I think. We are so separate, so isolated, we don't live in communities anymore. We may have social communities, but very few of us actually grow our food together, raise our children together, and build community that we live in together. I think that most people have been able to conform to the way we live pretty well - though so many people complain about how they have to work, and how they have to deal with bureaucracy, etc. But some people just take it further and go "crazy."

I haven't seen anything mentioning what the shooting suspect's motive was yet...But oftentimes these kinds of things are motivated by feeling left out, unfulfilled, not part of society, like everyone has wronged them. They just don't "fit in" and the only way to get the point across is it do something drastic a la Columbine High School, the Amish school shooting (apparently he was acting out to "receive revenge for something that happened 20 years ago"), and Virginia Tech (the killer said in a note: "You caused me to do this"). But we don't listen to these people, or see the warning signs, or do anything to prevent these things.

Why aren't we listening and paying attention? Why aren't we seeing the patterns and trying to do something to prevent these types of things? I'm not saying that they are in the right, or that they should have dealt with their issues in the way they did, but they had valid concerns and complaints, and they festered inside of them for years and years until they finally snapped. But, is the real solution making people conform to what we think they should be, or changing society?

Honestly, I don't have an answer. But it's something to think about.

Maybe we'll never be able to prevent things like this. But I really think the fact that we are so separated, that we lack community, that we live in separate boxes, that we work in separate boxes, has made people feel unfulfilled. And I think that if we lived how our ancestors did, in groups where everyone was supported, everyone worked together, raised children together, etc., we wouldn't have as many mental issues (if any at all), and people wouldn't "snap."

Not that everyone can live like this these days. But it makes "intentional communities" more attractive to me. I wouldn't mind having a constant support system and community that is there for me, and being there for them.

I have decided that every time I write or do yoga, I will put anything higher than a penny in a jar. Then I will reward myself with something when I have enough money saved up. This might take a while, but it's a good motivator, I think. I started reading a book called "Change Anything" a while back, and it says that when you have a goal, make it into a game. So, this is my way of making it into a game and rewarding myself. We'll see how it goes!

So, my topic today: Slut shaming.

I love Upworthy. They always have the BEST videos. So, this is a 13 year old talking about slut shaming, and it is worth 3 minutes of your time:

This makes me think about how when I was 13, I was so immature. I was still reading the Baby Sitters Club and worrying about my weight, not thinking about slut shaming and how it's a horrible thing. Geez. Was that something exclusive to me, or are kids just getting mature a lot faster now?

Well, anyway, she so has a point. She has many points. I feel like it's a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Which came first, the patriarchy or the slutty clothing? Let's face it, prostitutes have been around FOREVER. Ever since trading began, I'm sure. Prostitution is the oldest occupation, and I see nothing wrong with it, as long as they're being safe (using protection, able to protect themselves from scary clients, etc.). In fact, I think it should be legal.

I digress.

I love how she says: "Slut shaming is the unfortunate phenomenon in which people degrade or mock a woman because she dresses in tight or revealing clothing, enjoys sex, has sex a lot, or may even just be rumoured to participate in sexual activity. The message that slut shaming sends to women is that sex is bad, having sex with more than one person is horrible, and everyone will hate you for having sex at all."

A bit later she says, "It is nobody's business but your own how many people you're having sex with."

Amen, sista.

It's this kind of thing that gives polyamory such a bad name. For some reason, people think they should be involved in peoples' private lives, which is just stupid. If a conservative person were like "don't have sex with more than one person!" how would they like it if I pried into their private life and said "don't pray before bed!"...Ok, that's the only one I can come up with. Conservative people are boring.

Anyway, this culture of slut shaming we have has really paved the way for some screwy notions about sex. If we keep this up, girls are going to grow up feeling horrible about themselves, horrible about their natural sex drive, horrible about their bodies, they are going to feel like they're owned by other people because they think what other people say matters so much, some of them won't be able to even enjoy sex because the whole thing has been twisted into this evil thing...Oh wait, this is already happening.

I'm not sure how we can change this for the betterment of all women out there who want to enjoy sex, and for the girls who should grow up knowing sex is natural and enjoyable. I guess spreading this video and this message is one way. Things spread like wildfire on teh interwebs.

So go forth, link to the video, link to my blog!

Please?

And remember, kids: "If you've given your consent, if you're emotionally and physically ready for it, if you're using proper protection, and if you feel safe and comfortable with your partner, then sex is good. It is nobody's business but your own how many people you're having sex with or how much sex you have. And you don't deserve to be hated on for being sexually active with more than one partner."

Bam. Most mature 13 year old ever.

It's easy to see when you are in Starbucks that they are wasteful. You just have to look around, it's that simple. Individually wrapped plasticware. Paper cups (I've been in ONE Starbucks that had "for here," reusable cups...Correction: I am in a Starbucks now that has reusable mugs, but apparently you have to ask for one - they don't ask you if it's for here or to go...Sneaky!) with plastic lids. Napkins, napkins, napkins. Straws, straws, straws. Little individual packets of sugar, Splenda, what have you. Snacks that are individually wrapped. No "for here" plates - instead, you get a little paper bag. Paper sleeves.

How many people do you think are actually reusing these things?

It would be really not that hard to clean out your paper cup, clean out your plastic lid, and reuse those, as well as reusing your sleeve. But the people who do are probably a very small percentage, if there are people who do that at all. And it's easier to just throw it all in the trash, right? Way less energy burned, way less work involved. Throw away your cup, throw away the environment.

Anyway, I found this article from 2011 which talks about Starbucks' new (back then) logo, and how they are going to just throw away tons of cups, signs, road signs, window graphics, brochures, etc. etc. etc. I'd like to think that they just kept using the paper cups and napkins and sleeves with the old logo until they ran out and started using the ones with the new logo. But she has a point about everything else. We can't have the old logo on the rest area signs! Old logo on the window? Not acceptable. Good old corporate thinking.

Starbucks says on their website that they have started putting recycling bins in every store (I've been in Starbucks in the States that still don't have them...). Of course, "Recycling success depends on the availability of commercial recycling services where our stores are located. While our policy is that stores recycle where space and services are available, execution often presents challenges, both with customer perception of the services being provided and the actual service itself." Why? What is so freaking hard about recycling your cups, your lids, your napkins, etc.?


They go on to say: "Also, different commercial recyclers accept different materials, so we’re not able to provide a consistent program from store to store. And for stores located in shared spaces like malls, it is often the landlord who controls waste collection and recycling." Enough excuses, guys. Just make it happen. Just talk to the landlords. I can't believe this is that difficult. You're Starbucks! Offer higher rent or offer to pay for the recycling or something! You can take that small dent in the budget, guys!


Granted, they are doing some other things like providing coffee grounds for composting, trying to gain support for more recycling nationwide, and they give you a discount when you reuse your cup. That last point is not that impressive - ooh, 10 cent discount, big whoop. And they still aren't using reusable cups of their own in many locations. So, not that impressed, guys. You're relying on the customer to bring their own cup, but it would make a lot more sense if you had reusable cups and asked people if they were going to stay or leaving.


I just thought a bit more about the reusable cup idea. This is Starbucks. Image is so important. Ceramic mugs get broken a lot. Starbucks wouldn't want to use cheap ceramic mugs, because they want their logo on EVERYTHING. I'm looking at the cup a gentleman across the room is using, and there is an indented Starbucks logo on the side. Starbucks would loathe to use cheap mugs that get chipped and don't look pretty enough. Just ridiculous.


Yet, here I sit, in a Starbucks, drinking from a paper cup, with a plastic lid, and a paper sleeve. And I'm complaining about this. And I still go to places like this, which are so wasteful, and hypocritical, and say they're working hard when it really doesn't seem like they are. Looks like I need to reevaluate my coffee intake options. I feel like in our society, it's extremely hard to find places that are going to be friendlier to the environment, fair trade, etc., and where I live, it's double the price. That's not sustainable on my *budget.*


I feel like I'm stuck in a loop, and I can't break out. I feel like there is no escape from this. I suppose I could just choose and stick my ground and not go to places like this. Why is that so much easier said than done?


Some more interesting reports:
Starbucks wastes 23 million litres of water a day - big surprise
The basic problem with coffee cups - really interesting if you have a couple minutes
Only 11% of shareholders voted in favour of a comprehensive recycling plan in 2010

Blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc.

More and more, I'm starting to crave living without all these rules and restrictions.

It's Monday. I wake up to my iPod blasting music, and my cat rubbing against me. I'm also drenched in cold sweat (good old sleep problems, they never let you down in the discomfort department). Despite that last part, I want to turn my iPod off and stay in bed. Who doesn't, right? But I roll out of bed, and feed the cats, and sit down at the computer and eat a yoghurt.

I really want to go back to bed.

The 5 day work week is something I thought I wanted. I thought I wanted structure throughout the week and all that good stuff. More and more, I've been wanting to leave it all behind.

It's not something that is particularly possible right now, since I need to work full time to apply for permanent residency. But maybe in the future. I love the thought of being my own boss.

I actually don't mind getting up early. I don't mind being busy. But the thought of rolling out of bed, getting all ready for work, and getting to work only to sit down at a desk again makes me just want to crawl back into bed and never get out of it. It's so BORING.

The problem is, I don't know what I would do to have an income, except writing. And that is something I should in theory be working on outside of my job so that I can finally present something to a publisher or an agent or something. But I haven't been working on writing, except blogging. Blogging is great, but I don't think it's something I can quit my job for.

The other option would be going back to school to do something that can be more freelance, or without the restrictions of Monday-Friday, 9-5, sit at your desk until you rot. I've been seriously considering going back to school for journalism, but that's on hold until I get permanent residency. I'm not allowed to work and go to school at the same time with my work permit.

Back to writing - how do I get that great idea that I can sit down and hammer away at? Do I want it to be a novel, or a screenplay? Lately, working on my TV show that I started, like, last year is like pulling teeth. I sit down and draw a blank and feel totally unmotivated.

I feel like the joy of writing somehow disappeared for me. I used to write about anything, not caring if I finished it, not caring if it was good or not. I just loved writing and creating stories and characters. Then again, I was in high school, and I went to a school where I could choose what t do with my day instead of someone choosing for me. So I had a lot of free time to write. I don't have that now.

And it makes me want to quit my job so I can have more time.

Looks familiar...

Other options to make this possible: Find a sugar daddy (or mama?). Become homeless and wander the land. Move back in with my parents. Take out a mortgage but not actually buy a house. Save up like crazy for the next 10 years (because living in this town, that's how long it would take). Kill someone in my family so I can inherit their money.

OK I'm totally kidding about those, except maybe the saving up for 10 years.

(I just searched on Craigslist for "sugar daddy," out of curiosity. Now I really, really don't want to do that. Gross.)

If you have ideas, please, share them. I am all ears (eyes?).

When I'm around other people, I can't help but be happy for the most part. I love conversations, a feeling of community and connectedness, laughing and sharing. It makes me think that humans are not meant to live separately in little boxes without saying hello on the street. But since that is how we live, we have to find communities within our big "community," places to connect not on a one-on-one level (though that is great, too), but on a group level.

I'm reading a section in "Sex at Dawn" where they talk about how it seems that our true nature as humans is helpfulness, cooperation, and support. It makes me think about those individuals who somehow decided that "every man for himself" was a better approach. How does that happen? When everyone on the planet is cooperating, living in groups that are self sustaining, supporting each other, how did a few people suddenly change and decide that was the wrong way to live? Was it something in the DNA that suddenly changed? Was it because we evolved to be able to think and analyze things? I really wish I could pinpoint it to one person and blame them for all of this disconnect in our culture. It would make me feel good, but obviously it wouldn't really change anything.

"Sex at Dawn" is making me want to live on a commune. Or at least in a co-housing situation. I think there is a co-housing building across the street from my building. I think I should check that out. I like having my own space and living alone, honestly. If it's messy, it's my mess, not someone else's. If the dishes aren't done, I have no one to blame but myself. But it is lonely. I like the idea of co-housing because often, you have your own space, but you share things with others, like community dinners, there are get togethers, lots of things are done together. I like that idea. A lot.

I'm not sure what my point is this morning. I guess I crave more of a community than I have right now. I have little communities that I am part of, but I miss the days at the Sudbury school I went to where we were a community that saw each other every day, had to work together, play together, learn to cooperate together, and learn to respect one another. I wish I had something like that in my daily life. Instead, I wake up, eat, take a shower, and go to work to sit in another box all day, staring at a computer screen, feeling like I want to die because while my work can be interesting at times, I don't think I'm suited to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. I'm also contemplating how I can take things like my writing and make them into an income. I welcome any tips on that one!

I follow another blog that has to do with only polyamory, and I read this post and she of course has some points that are valid, like that monogamous people look at her like she has 2 heads when she talks about her polyamorous life. And that people say things like "it's not normal, but it works for some people," and she points out that people saying this is not going to accomplish anything, and it just reinforces the idea that being polyamorous is not normal and that it can't work, it can't be widespread, etc.


Then she says, "This is normal for me. This is what works. Monogamy is the weird thing to me. And that’s okay. I am allowed to say that. I don’t have to apologize for thinking that."


Totally true, but I just find it interesting that I disagree. I don't think monogamy is weird at all, actually. I can understand that you would want to have someone as your partner for a very long time, and maybe only that person. I still feel that way. And there are many different polyamorous configurations (see "Complicated Sex Graphic"), and the way I see it working for me in theory is having a "primary" person (I know some people hate that word, but no one has come up with a better one, so I'll just use it), establishing a committed relationship with them, and then opening it up. So it's like having an open monogamous relationship, I guess. That's what I think would work for me, it doesn't work for everyone who's polyamorous. Or monogamous.


I just find it interesting that people who are poly can think monogamy is just as weird as monogamous people think polyamory is weird. It just proves there are so many ways to love people, and that is totally ok!


The only criticism I would have about the post on which I'm commenting is that calling monogamy weird is doing the same thing that polyamorous people hate monogamous people doing. Monogamous people say "that's weird" and with judgment, and saying monogamy is weird is just judging them the way you don't want to be.


I know we can't all be politically correct all the time, and I don't think we always should be (that must be the American part of me, ha!). I just don't want to stop being monogamous and go to the other extreme just because monogamy didn't work for me in the past or doesn't make sense to me now. It's like when I entered the pagan community - so many people grew up as Christian and had such a negative time with it, they went the other extreme to hating Christianity and anything involved with it. I guess I just don't like extremes.


And that's just me. And that's ok. I'm allowed to be that way. I don't have to apologize for that. ;) (Thanks for letting me borrow your words!)


I have to say, Polycule is an awesome blog, and this just shows she writes stuff that's insightful enough to motivate others to comment on it! Yay blogging!

Sometimes poly relationships can look like molecules, hence the blog named "Polycule," on which I am commenting.