Yes, another post for today. I just have to share this.

Please click here to see what I am commenting on

On that blog that I just linked to, she says "Wow this is so selfish. Why do people in relationships feel like they have to be the sole provider and keeper of their partner’s happiness? I truly just do not understand this phenomenon."


Amen, sista, is what I have to say to that.


Even if you are monogamous, being the sole provider and keeper of your partner's happiness is a fallacy. There are lots of other things than just your partner that make you happy in life. Your friends (maybe they're male, maybe they're female), your family, your pets, your hobbies, movies, music, etc. etc. If you look at it that way, would people still be saying they're their partner's sole provider and keeper of their happiness? Probably not.


Perspective, people.

I have to remember that I am important, that I am a priority in my life, that I have a responsibility to be good to myself and take care of myself.

This is something that for my whole life, I have forgotten, or ignored. No wonder I have so many health problems now (seriously).

First and foremost, I have to focus on self care that makes me feel good. I have to keep doing yoga, I have to keep writing, I have to keep going to bed early, I have to keep eating well. Some of these things have been slipping lately, and I can see what a difference it makes. I have been tired and sore for the past week and a half. There could be other factors at play here, but it seems that because I haven't been eating that well the past week and a half or so, I've been going to bed later than I should be, etc., my body is now mad at me.

And I think I need to cut coffee out again. I started feeling really good after I quit coffee. And I think that includes decaf, unfortunately. Argh, it's so hard. Not that I have been drinking caffeinated coffee all that much (ok, I've been doing half decaf, half regular quite a bit), but I hope it hasn't been enough to cut it out again with no major problems (read: HEADACHES). I think I'll go back to just decaf for now and see how that goes.

At least we have a long weekend coming up. I am so looking forward to that. I'm going to get some much needed stuff on my to do list done, I'm going to relax and recharge, and it's gonna be great.

Maybe I'll go to a spa this weekend or something...

I've written about my fatigue and health problems before, and I was just walking through my office trying to keep this posture that the physiotherapist I've been seeing wants me to maintain, and I realized I felt totally silly, and it would be fun to write about on here.

Let me back up.

Earlier this year, I guess in March, I started feeling really super fatigued and didn't know why. I had sleep tests done, and they thought I might have sleep apnea, but the home oximetry tests they did didn't really confirm that. My GP was honestly really not helpful, so I switched doctors. My new doctor said "I want you to see a physiotherapist. I think you are hyperventilating and blowing off too much CO2."

This wasn't a totally new concept, because the tech at the sleep clinic said it could be a possibility that I was hyperventilating while I was sleeping, but I didn't think that I was doing it during the day.

So I went to the physiotherapist and he was like "this is classic hyperventilation syndrome." So he was asking me all these questions and looking in my mouth and feeling my neck and my back and looking at my posture and he measured my chest to see how much it expands when I breathe, etc.

Basically, his conclusions are thus:

• My tongue is in the wrong position in my mouth. I know, it sounds crazy. I didn't know there was a "right" position. Apparently my tongue has been resting down by my bottom teeth, and I was getting literally tooth imprints on the edge of my tongue. I had always wondered why that was, and now I know. So, he has been working with me to bring my tongue up so that it actually rests on the palate. My tongue muscles were totally weak, so he is having me do tongue exercises.  Not even joking. I stick the handle of a spoon or something on my tongue, push down with the spoon, and push up with my tongue. Tongue push ups.
• Because my tongue is in the wrong position, I don't swallow correctly, I don't breathe correctly, and my neck and jaw muscles are tense because by letting my tongue drop, I'm actually putting too much strain on the muscles. Doesn't sound logical, but apparently it's true. I was breathing through my mouth too much, and I am still doing that, because my allergies have been pretty bad and my nose has been stuffed. But I've had issues with that my whole life, and now it seems that some of it might be because of my tongue/nose situation.
• About the nose - my nostrils don't dilate when I breathe in quickly through my nose. They are supposed to dilate to let air in. Mine literally collapse so they close up. The muscles around my nose aren't working correctly to stop that from happening, so I have exercises for that, too.
• My posture is horrible. And I knew that already. But the physiotherapist is not even worried so much about being hunched over a computer at work, which is what most chiropractors and massage therapists and even doctors have said I do too much of. He's worried more about my lower back, and how I arch it so that I stick my butt out. I knew I was doing this, but I didn't realize it was a problem. I guess because I do that, my stomach muscles are weaker than they should be because they're not working to keep my tailbone tucked under (and I always wondered why I had a pudge that was kind of...stretched out. Hard to explain, but it makes sense to me now - you can see it in the image below, second from the left). And with my stomach muscles being weak, my diaphragm is weak, so I don't breathe into my diaphragm and stomach, I breathe into my chest too much. Etc. etc.

So this all kind of snowballs into these problems I've been having. I don't know why they suddenly got worse a few months ago, but maybe my body was finally like "wake up! You're not holding me correctly and you're not breathing right!" It just kind of gave out on me, I suppose.

Back to the beginning of my post - my physiotherapist showed me how I should be standing so my posture is correct. Knees bent and out a little, tailbone tucked under, but using stomach muscles, not butt muscles to do that. So I was just doing that in the washroom (no one was around), then trying to keep that as I was walking (which is really hard), and I realized it felt totally strange and foreign. I felt like I probably looked like I was hunched over and walking all funny with my back rounded like Quasimoto or something...But then I saw my reflection in a window and it looked normal. It just *feels* strange, because I'm not used to my back being straight.

There you have it. My misadventures in physiotherapy. 

Apparently I do that second one...

Life is such a twisty road. Sometimes you make U-turns, too. I seem to be making one right now.

Now that my friends and family are potentially reading this blog, it makes me feel strange sharing what's going on. Some people will already know what's going on, but others don't, and I just have to decide if I care what people think.

I'm trying to strike a truce with my body. It has been feeling a lot better lately from doing yoga every day. I feel stronger, mentally more "with it," my muscles are getting toned, I'm getting more flexible even in just very small ways, and it's been really good. But today I feel like I've been run over by a truck. My back is sore, my abs are sore, I'm tired, my vision seems all fuzzy, my brain feels like a giant ball of fluff, and I can't concentrate or actually really think at all. I guess everyone has bad days, but this was how I was feeling every day before I started feeling better, and I don't want it to come back!

I get paranoid that my body issues are going to come back all the time. Two summers ago, I started getting extremely bad pain in my knees, my shoulders, fingers, toes, ankles, wrists...But mostly fingers, knees, and shoulders. And it would migrate between those places. I had days where I couldn't walk right and was limping. I had days I couldn't lift my arm over my head. I had days I couldn't lift even moderately heavy things because my fingers or my wrist would hurt too much (or I couldn't turn a doorknob, pull a door open, put weight on my wrist/hand, lift even a glass of water, etc.). I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and I sometimes feel like that was because they couldn't figure out what else it could be.

I get so afraid that is going to come back, and after my first riding lesson here, it did come back for a couple of days. For some reason my knee was in so much pain, and I was limping for a couple of days. It hasn't happen since then. But I get so afraid it will.

Today I don't feel like that kind of pain is happening, but it does remind me that I have this constant struggle with my body. There are days that are better than others, and lately I've been feeling pretty damn good, and I really do attribute it to doing yoga every day. But I feel like this struggle might never end. And it makes me think that it'll just put me on the fast track for being a crippled old lady in a wheelchair. People say "it's all in the mind, you have to will yourself to feel better, erase the negativity and you will feel better." And I think that's true to a certain extent, but a) We can't live without negativity, at least not all the time, that's just not how life works, and b) It's just not that simple. All I can do is just treat my body with "esteem" as my therapist says, and treat it well, and be healthy, and feed it good, healthy food, and on days when I'm really tired at the end of it all, just acknowledge that my body got me through the day and I'm still alive.

So that's what I'm trying to do...Even though I feel like crawling under my desk and taking a nap.

I've had 2 dates in the past week. With different people. Neither was one I really felt any "spark" with. But I didn't have any expectations going into it, really, so it's all good.

I've been really busy lately, yet I've been feeling pretty lonely, in a weird way. But at the same time, I think about relationships and just want to crawl under a rock. Dating sucks. It's hard. It's like going on job interviews. There are reasons I just don't do it. I just kind of want to wait and let it come to me, but that doesn't really get you anywhere, either. Maybe it's because I'm just not looking that hard right now, and the past few times I've actually tried being in a relationship, it's just been too much for me, emotionally and physically. It exhausts me. Relationships are time consuming, and can be stressful, and are really fun, but there aren't enough hours in the day for work, my life, and a relationship - let alone more than one relationship if that were ever to happen. I don't know how people do it. 

I guess I'm not really ready to sacrifice my life to anyone right now. I like getting up at 6am with 8 hours of sleep behind me, as weird as that sounds. I like not having to impress someone day in and day out. I like having my schedule and doing what I want with my time and not have to juggle someone else's schedule, too.

But, as I said, it gets lonely. Sometimes you just want to cuddle with someone, and feel loved. Cats can only go so far in that regard.

I don't really know what I'm doing wrong. Or what I'm doing right. Or actually, what I'm doing at all.

 

Freedom or Relationship: Which is better? Or is it better to have something in between? 

It's easy to see when you are in Starbucks that they are wasteful. You just have to look around, it's that simple. Individually wrapped plasticware. Paper cups (I've been in ONE Starbucks that had "for here," reusable cups...Correction: I am in a Starbucks now that has reusable mugs, but apparently you have to ask for one - they don't ask you if it's for here or to go...Sneaky!) with plastic lids. Napkins, napkins, napkins. Straws, straws, straws. Little individual packets of sugar, Splenda, what have you. Snacks that are individually wrapped. No "for here" plates - instead, you get a little paper bag. Paper sleeves.

How many people do you think are actually reusing these things?

It would be really not that hard to clean out your paper cup, clean out your plastic lid, and reuse those, as well as reusing your sleeve. But the people who do are probably a very small percentage, if there are people who do that at all. And it's easier to just throw it all in the trash, right? Way less energy burned, way less work involved. Throw away your cup, throw away the environment.

Anyway, I found this article from 2011 which talks about Starbucks' new (back then) logo, and how they are going to just throw away tons of cups, signs, road signs, window graphics, brochures, etc. etc. etc. I'd like to think that they just kept using the paper cups and napkins and sleeves with the old logo until they ran out and started using the ones with the new logo. But she has a point about everything else. We can't have the old logo on the rest area signs! Old logo on the window? Not acceptable. Good old corporate thinking.

Starbucks says on their website that they have started putting recycling bins in every store (I've been in Starbucks in the States that still don't have them...). Of course, "Recycling success depends on the availability of commercial recycling services where our stores are located. While our policy is that stores recycle where space and services are available, execution often presents challenges, both with customer perception of the services being provided and the actual service itself." Why? What is so freaking hard about recycling your cups, your lids, your napkins, etc.?


They go on to say: "Also, different commercial recyclers accept different materials, so we’re not able to provide a consistent program from store to store. And for stores located in shared spaces like malls, it is often the landlord who controls waste collection and recycling." Enough excuses, guys. Just make it happen. Just talk to the landlords. I can't believe this is that difficult. You're Starbucks! Offer higher rent or offer to pay for the recycling or something! You can take that small dent in the budget, guys!


Granted, they are doing some other things like providing coffee grounds for composting, trying to gain support for more recycling nationwide, and they give you a discount when you reuse your cup. That last point is not that impressive - ooh, 10 cent discount, big whoop. And they still aren't using reusable cups of their own in many locations. So, not that impressed, guys. You're relying on the customer to bring their own cup, but it would make a lot more sense if you had reusable cups and asked people if they were going to stay or leaving.


I just thought a bit more about the reusable cup idea. This is Starbucks. Image is so important. Ceramic mugs get broken a lot. Starbucks wouldn't want to use cheap ceramic mugs, because they want their logo on EVERYTHING. I'm looking at the cup a gentleman across the room is using, and there is an indented Starbucks logo on the side. Starbucks would loathe to use cheap mugs that get chipped and don't look pretty enough. Just ridiculous.


Yet, here I sit, in a Starbucks, drinking from a paper cup, with a plastic lid, and a paper sleeve. And I'm complaining about this. And I still go to places like this, which are so wasteful, and hypocritical, and say they're working hard when it really doesn't seem like they are. Looks like I need to reevaluate my coffee intake options. I feel like in our society, it's extremely hard to find places that are going to be friendlier to the environment, fair trade, etc., and where I live, it's double the price. That's not sustainable on my *budget.*


I feel like I'm stuck in a loop, and I can't break out. I feel like there is no escape from this. I suppose I could just choose and stick my ground and not go to places like this. Why is that so much easier said than done?


Some more interesting reports:
Starbucks wastes 23 million litres of water a day - big surprise
The basic problem with coffee cups - really interesting if you have a couple minutes
Only 11% of shareholders voted in favour of a comprehensive recycling plan in 2010

Blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc.

More and more, I'm starting to crave living without all these rules and restrictions.

It's Monday. I wake up to my iPod blasting music, and my cat rubbing against me. I'm also drenched in cold sweat (good old sleep problems, they never let you down in the discomfort department). Despite that last part, I want to turn my iPod off and stay in bed. Who doesn't, right? But I roll out of bed, and feed the cats, and sit down at the computer and eat a yoghurt.

I really want to go back to bed.

The 5 day work week is something I thought I wanted. I thought I wanted structure throughout the week and all that good stuff. More and more, I've been wanting to leave it all behind.

It's not something that is particularly possible right now, since I need to work full time to apply for permanent residency. But maybe in the future. I love the thought of being my own boss.

I actually don't mind getting up early. I don't mind being busy. But the thought of rolling out of bed, getting all ready for work, and getting to work only to sit down at a desk again makes me just want to crawl back into bed and never get out of it. It's so BORING.

The problem is, I don't know what I would do to have an income, except writing. And that is something I should in theory be working on outside of my job so that I can finally present something to a publisher or an agent or something. But I haven't been working on writing, except blogging. Blogging is great, but I don't think it's something I can quit my job for.

The other option would be going back to school to do something that can be more freelance, or without the restrictions of Monday-Friday, 9-5, sit at your desk until you rot. I've been seriously considering going back to school for journalism, but that's on hold until I get permanent residency. I'm not allowed to work and go to school at the same time with my work permit.

Back to writing - how do I get that great idea that I can sit down and hammer away at? Do I want it to be a novel, or a screenplay? Lately, working on my TV show that I started, like, last year is like pulling teeth. I sit down and draw a blank and feel totally unmotivated.

I feel like the joy of writing somehow disappeared for me. I used to write about anything, not caring if I finished it, not caring if it was good or not. I just loved writing and creating stories and characters. Then again, I was in high school, and I went to a school where I could choose what t do with my day instead of someone choosing for me. So I had a lot of free time to write. I don't have that now.

And it makes me want to quit my job so I can have more time.

Looks familiar...

Other options to make this possible: Find a sugar daddy (or mama?). Become homeless and wander the land. Move back in with my parents. Take out a mortgage but not actually buy a house. Save up like crazy for the next 10 years (because living in this town, that's how long it would take). Kill someone in my family so I can inherit their money.

OK I'm totally kidding about those, except maybe the saving up for 10 years.

(I just searched on Craigslist for "sugar daddy," out of curiosity. Now I really, really don't want to do that. Gross.)

If you have ideas, please, share them. I am all ears (eyes?).

Well, it's day 6 of my yoga challenge. I have done yoga at least 15 minutes every day since last Thursday.

I actually realized I have done yoga every day since last Tuesday, so it's technically day 8, but it was Wednesday that I decided I would do it every day, and then did it the next day and have done it every day since.

Technicalities aside...

I'm feeling great. I'm still tired in the mornings, I still get to work and want to crawl back to bed, but maybe that has more to do with work than it does with being tired. Anyway, I feel like my muscles are getting more toned, my technique is getting stronger and better, and I think it is helping with self esteem and somewhat with the fatigue. Mentally I definitely feel better. I can wait for the physical to catch up.

(I wish I could do this)

I went to a meet and greet/discussion that is held once a month for poly women. I brought up the topic about how I don't know if I could determine I wanted to be polyamorous or monogamous with a person when I first start dating them, because you're not really exclusive at the beginning anyway (usually), you don't know how long you're going to date, and you don't know what kind of dynamic is going to develop if you do continue dating and form a relationship. I think some people might think that sounds crazy, that polyamory has to be a requirement from the beginning and you can't date someone who wouldn't want to be polyamorous. I see that to a certain extent - you would want to know that they would be open to talking about it, but I don't think I want to go into a situation being like "you must be polyamorous, or else!"

But that brings up the question...Do you mention it earlier in the relationship? Like, first date? Or after a little while of dating? We talked about that last night, too, and I think the responses to that question were mixed. Some people think it's better to say it right away, maybe to "weed out" the people who aren't going to be comfortable with that. Then you can know if someone is at least open to talking about it later. If they are not even open to the idea, then you know right away. But my therapist thought if you go into a dating situation, while you're still casual, you can get to know the person and what their personality is, what their thoughts about life in general are, what their morals and values are, and then know a) whether or not you think you want to take the next step, or b) whether or not they would be open to something like polyamory.

I don't know which one I agree with. I guess you have to feel out each situation.

I haven't had a whole lot of drama in my life lately, so I haven't had any really emotional posts. I like my quiet life, honestly. I sometimes get lonely, but I like having the freedom to do whatever I want (outside of work, I guess), see my friends when I want, stay home when I want, hang out with my cats when I want, go for walks when I want, do yoga first thing when I wake up if I want...I'm not trying to juggle another person in my life. While I do like the idea of dating and eventually being in a relationship again, I like my independence. The next time I start heading down the relationship road, I think I will have to just remember that and always stay true to that. The person I'm dating will just have to understand, I guess. Especially at first when you're not committed yet.

Someone yesterday said she had heard the phrase, "Be your own primary." I like that. I want to be my own primary.

When I'm around other people, I can't help but be happy for the most part. I love conversations, a feeling of community and connectedness, laughing and sharing. It makes me think that humans are not meant to live separately in little boxes without saying hello on the street. But since that is how we live, we have to find communities within our big "community," places to connect not on a one-on-one level (though that is great, too), but on a group level.

I'm reading a section in "Sex at Dawn" where they talk about how it seems that our true nature as humans is helpfulness, cooperation, and support. It makes me think about those individuals who somehow decided that "every man for himself" was a better approach. How does that happen? When everyone on the planet is cooperating, living in groups that are self sustaining, supporting each other, how did a few people suddenly change and decide that was the wrong way to live? Was it something in the DNA that suddenly changed? Was it because we evolved to be able to think and analyze things? I really wish I could pinpoint it to one person and blame them for all of this disconnect in our culture. It would make me feel good, but obviously it wouldn't really change anything.

"Sex at Dawn" is making me want to live on a commune. Or at least in a co-housing situation. I think there is a co-housing building across the street from my building. I think I should check that out. I like having my own space and living alone, honestly. If it's messy, it's my mess, not someone else's. If the dishes aren't done, I have no one to blame but myself. But it is lonely. I like the idea of co-housing because often, you have your own space, but you share things with others, like community dinners, there are get togethers, lots of things are done together. I like that idea. A lot.

I'm not sure what my point is this morning. I guess I crave more of a community than I have right now. I have little communities that I am part of, but I miss the days at the Sudbury school I went to where we were a community that saw each other every day, had to work together, play together, learn to cooperate together, and learn to respect one another. I wish I had something like that in my daily life. Instead, I wake up, eat, take a shower, and go to work to sit in another box all day, staring at a computer screen, feeling like I want to die because while my work can be interesting at times, I don't think I'm suited to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day. I'm also contemplating how I can take things like my writing and make them into an income. I welcome any tips on that one!

Today, I am going to write about one of my cats.

I just got inspired because one of my cats, Miyu, is lying on the table next to me, purring like a broken motor. She has a story.

She was abandoned back home, and found on a busy street. I don't know who abandoned her, or how she was "kicked out," but I suspect it was a male, because when she meets new males, it takes her a very long time to warm up to them. Male voices seem to scare her, too. I found her at the Humane Society on "Free Cat Friday," and was told she was "undersocialized." She was only 5 months old, and I saw her in her little glass cage, peering up at me. She wasn't scared then, perhaps because she knew the cage kept her separated from all the scary people walking by. I visited with her in the room where they typically give the animals baths, and she ran under the tub and wouldn't come out. She wouldn't play with me, and no amount of coaxing would get her out. I finally reached under and pulled her out and held her. She was shaking. She was terrified, the poor thing. I told them I had to think about it and left.

I came back later the same day with my mom, because I was living with her at the time and wanted to make sure it was ok to have another cat in her house. We were in a different room this time, and I guess because Miyu remembered me but didn't know my mother, she crawled into my crotch (I was sitting cross legged on the floor). She was so scared of people she didn't know, it was heartbreaking. But I decided to take her anyway. She was the last cat to leave the building. There was another cat who was taken home before she was, and he was at least 12 years old. No one wanted an undersocialized kitten.

 

It took her a few weeks to get comfortable with me. She stayed under the bed in the guest room and I couldn't get to her. A few times I managed to grab her and hold her, but she would struggle and jump down and back under the bed.

But one day, I came in to give her food, and as I knelt down to place her bowls on the floor, she came out from under the bed and rubbed against my legs and my arms, over and over again. I guess she finally realized I was a nice person, and she finally decided I was hers (what with all the rubbing).

Since then we've been really close, and she gets along with my other cat, Jack (I will write about him sometime). They play and chase each other, sometimes they hiss at each other, but they go right back to being friends. She is so sweet and will rub against your legs and your hands for sometimes half an hour at a time. She still hides when people she doesn't know are around, but she warms up to them a lot quicker now. She doesn't really meow, she opens her mouth and makes a little squeaking noise. I read that many cats who grow up outside are taught by their mothers to only meow when something is wrong so as not to attract attention otherwise.

I sometimes wonder about her past, about where she was found, who she was with before me, why she ended up being abandoned. She is a lot like me - she has trust issues because she learned to have them. She's been betrayed, but she's pulled through and has found someone who loves and cares about her. My cats are really my best friends, and my family. I was not intending to get another cat after Jack, but I feel like Miyu and I were meant to be.

(Agggh, Mommy, too many kisses...)

I realized, I haven't written much about yoga.

Yoga is something I love, love, love. (Did I mention that I love it?) It's a moving meditation, it makes us face things we usually ignore, it puts us in touch with our bodies and every aspect of them, it makes us stronger and is a great workout.

I've always had a bit of a problem with the "westernization" of yoga. I took a class about eastern religions in university, and we talked a bit about yoga. Traditional yoga is not soccer moms wearing Lulu Lemon and spouting "namaste" at every chance they get. Traditional yoga has many goals and takes a few different forms, but in general, the yogi is trying to attain spiritual insight while meditating on the concept of divinity. It's also a way to achieve moksha ("release" from this world of suffering and being free of the birth/rebirth cycle). I think there are some yoga classes that touch that in our western culture, but I don't think it's anything like it would be in say, India.

(I don't do this) -

I remember hearing about certain yogis in India who believe the body mirrors the constellations in the sky when doing yoga, so doing certain poses brings you closer to that. I love that imagery, that concept. I also know there are yogis who practice yoga all day long, and they are quite hard on their bodies. But it's all part of the practices I mentioned above.

What I do love about the "westernization" of yoga is that we have made it to be whatever want it to. And I don't see a huge problem with that. I think we should be careful when saying that the yoga we practice is what they practiced in ancient India. We're not practicing that, we're practicing a western version. But, there is so much you can do with it. I have this wonderful teacher who is also a writer, and I adore her class. We do 45 minutes of "yang" yoga (that's "male" energy, getting the heart rate up, flowing through asanas, using our voices to release tension and stress, etc.), then we do half an hour of "yin" yoga ("female" energy) where we hold poses for quite a long time and relax into them to release tension in the body. It's a really great class, and it gets me in touch with my emotions, what's going on inside of me, things I might have been ignoring, and it forces me to face my ego...On Tuesday we did some Qigong with it, and that was really great, and made me feel so powerful.

My dietitian is telling me that I need to exercise more, and I have been trying to go on jogs and walks. But the fatigue I've been feeling is making jogging almost impossible. I feel so tired, so discouraged, and like my body is going to collapse when I do it. It's not normal fatigue from exercising. Even when I do yoga, I feel this fatigue, and it is different from 2 months ago, when my yoga classes were starting to feel too easy. Suddenly, something changed, and now even yoga exhausts me.

But, I think I am going to do a 30 day yoga challenge. Every day, I will do at least 15 minutes on my yoga mat (on the days I'm taking a class anyway, it will of course be longer). No matter if I'm hungover, tired, angry, sad, sleep deprived, whatever. I am going to do it every day. Maybe it will help me with my help esteem, and I'm sure it will help me mentally in other ways. And of course, I'm going to blog about it.

Stay tuned for more on my yoga adventures!

(My yoga looks more like this) -

I know I wrote recently about hating ourselves just a little less, but I gotta be honest...I hate my body tonight.

I hate how it looks in the mirror. I hate how I eat, and I feel hungry again right away. I hate how I have gained weight, how I feel in my body, my rolls and my bulges. Tonight, they are not curves, they are not "womanly," they are not sexy, they are ugly. I hate how I can't see my feet without bending over significantly, as if I were pregnant or something. I hate my double chin, my flabby arms, how my inner thighs touch, and my love handles, and I hate that name for them, because there is nothing to love about them, and I don't want anyone handling them.

I have struggled with feeling hungry all the time for so long, and I am trying to work on it, with a dietitian no less. And it just will not go away. No wonder I have always had weight issues, I'm constantly trying to make the hunger go away by eating more.

Everyone always has ideas, and sympathy, and that's great, but it's just not helping anymore. It's like the doctors and my dietitian telling me to just exercise, because I'll feel better. Well, I don't. I am tired, and hungry, and I want to scream and throw something and run and get that stomach stapling surgery. Or go start taking an appetite suppressant. I feel gross, and this gnawing hunger is going to make me go nuts. I'm starting to think there's something medically wrong with me, but doctors are stumped.

I'm also sick of people telling me it's in my mind. If I could take control of this, I would have already done it. I wouldn't have let myself get to the weight I am today (I was shocked when I was weighed at the doctor's office yesterday).

Another one I really like - "be kind to your body." Well, I would be, if it would stop being so annoying and aggravating!

Can I please just have a body that doesn't need to struggle every day? Can I just have a normal hunger pattern? A good energy level? A body I can be happy living in? Please?

Had to get blood drawn this morning. I saw a new doctor yesterday and he wanted to get some things tested. So I had to leave earlier than normal and didn't get a chance to write today.

I have a feeling this is going to be a pretty boring post.

I've been: Really tired, really hungry (even though I eat healthy food all day long instead of 3 big meals), busy, and bored (at work). That pretty much sums it up.

I don't have any special insights or deep thoughts today. I did a yoga class on my lunch break, which was great. It's 3:30 and I just want to go home.

How are you all doing?

I follow another blog that has to do with only polyamory, and I read this post and she of course has some points that are valid, like that monogamous people look at her like she has 2 heads when she talks about her polyamorous life. And that people say things like "it's not normal, but it works for some people," and she points out that people saying this is not going to accomplish anything, and it just reinforces the idea that being polyamorous is not normal and that it can't work, it can't be widespread, etc.


Then she says, "This is normal for me. This is what works. Monogamy is the weird thing to me. And that’s okay. I am allowed to say that. I don’t have to apologize for thinking that."


Totally true, but I just find it interesting that I disagree. I don't think monogamy is weird at all, actually. I can understand that you would want to have someone as your partner for a very long time, and maybe only that person. I still feel that way. And there are many different polyamorous configurations (see "Complicated Sex Graphic"), and the way I see it working for me in theory is having a "primary" person (I know some people hate that word, but no one has come up with a better one, so I'll just use it), establishing a committed relationship with them, and then opening it up. So it's like having an open monogamous relationship, I guess. That's what I think would work for me, it doesn't work for everyone who's polyamorous. Or monogamous.


I just find it interesting that people who are poly can think monogamy is just as weird as monogamous people think polyamory is weird. It just proves there are so many ways to love people, and that is totally ok!


The only criticism I would have about the post on which I'm commenting is that calling monogamy weird is doing the same thing that polyamorous people hate monogamous people doing. Monogamous people say "that's weird" and with judgment, and saying monogamy is weird is just judging them the way you don't want to be.


I know we can't all be politically correct all the time, and I don't think we always should be (that must be the American part of me, ha!). I just don't want to stop being monogamous and go to the other extreme just because monogamy didn't work for me in the past or doesn't make sense to me now. It's like when I entered the pagan community - so many people grew up as Christian and had such a negative time with it, they went the other extreme to hating Christianity and anything involved with it. I guess I just don't like extremes.


And that's just me. And that's ok. I'm allowed to be that way. I don't have to apologize for that. ;) (Thanks for letting me borrow your words!)


I have to say, Polycule is an awesome blog, and this just shows she writes stuff that's insightful enough to motivate others to comment on it! Yay blogging!

Sometimes poly relationships can look like molecules, hence the blog named "Polycule," on which I am commenting.

I wrote this E-mail recently, and I thought it sums my thoughts about polyamory up nicely:


"I'm learning a lot more about human nature, and how our monogamous society probably isn't actually our true nature at all, in fact, it's the opposite, but socialization is a very powerful thing, and we have all grown up being used to monogamy as the standard. But it seems like so few monogamous relationships are working these days, especially with our generation, so I think there's something to be said for that. And feelings of jealousy and entitlement and that kind of thing which may be our human 'nature' just have to be acknowledged, and talked about, and there has to be a lot of communication. Each person involved has to be honest with themselves and honest with each other. If not, THEN it's cheating ;) Relationships are hard no matter what form they take, and polyamory adds a whole new dimension to it, but I have seen it work. Also, it depends on how you define it 'working.' It could mean that someone is with someone else for the rest of their lives. If could mean that people are together for a time, maybe a long time, maybe not, but they learned a lot and had a really good experience together and got something out of it...That could also be seen as 'working.' So, it's a perspective thing really. It takes time, and practice, I'm learning. :) "


Wow, I feel so mature!!! =D


So, "Sex at Dawn." I just finished a part where they talk about how in many forager societies that exist today, they have found that the men all take care of the children, even the ones that are not "theirs." But, it is also ambiguous as to who the father is biologically, because there are no monogamous relationships. So the whole community takes care of the children as if they were all their own. I think that sounds wonderful. I think about how different I would be if I had grown up in a society like that, with lots of loving people taking care of me and my siblings and friends and cousins, etc. My views on sex would be totally different, I would probably be a happier, more secure person (though, spit me out into the society we have now, and that might have gotten really confusing, but let's assume the whole society is like this in my little scenario here). Actually, they found that children who grew up in societies like that are happy and have no issues with depression, at least in the ways we do in our society. (I'm sure there are times when they're sad, but it's a different kind of cycle than we have in our divided, individualized society.)


It's so fascinating.


I always thought it would be cool to live in a commune. Add a scenario like this, and it might be awesome. Though you'd probably be seen as crazy polygamists or something by everyone else if they knew what was going on. I happen to care about my reputation since I'm trying to have a career and whatnot, I must say.


(Though, I suppose if you live on a commune where everyone does everything together and supports each other through growing food and every other aspect of life, maybe you wouldn't need to have a "career" in the "traditional" sense. And I think most communes these days consist of people who have monogamous relationships, while doing everything else together. I say most. Probably not all.)


Since I have come to a big city with no family close by, I have started to realize just how separate we all are in this society. I mean, I knew it before, and I've lived briefly in big cities and visited them a lot. And I grew up mostly in the mountains in a tiny town, with neighbours who were visible from our house, but not close at all, not like in city neighbourhoods. So I have grown up rather separate from everyone else in society. In high school, I went to a very small school, which was a real community, except we didn't live together. But I saw these people every day, and the collaboration that I experienced there was really amazing and uplifting when I think back.


People needs communities. Dr. Andrew Weil says that one of the best cures of depression is not actually to curl up on your couch and feel sad (though, you should be in touch with your emotions and do that, too, just not on a regular basis), but to go spend time with others in social situations. It's the closest we're going to get in our society to having a community, unless we join a commune or leave the society completely to live with aboriginals in South America or Africa...


There are times when I like being alone, cuddling with my cats. But having a community is very important to me, and I have a few of them, here and back home. It's so important. I hope we can all find communities where we are accepted for who we are and supported in various ways.

Oooooh this makes me so MAD!

There are so many things I could say about this. I could say he's a fucktard and I wish euthanasia was legal. I could say it's just his opinion. I could say he's misinformed and that's very sad, but he's just crazy and no one will listen to him anyway.

But people were listening! If you watch the video, you can hear the congregation saying "amen!" I mean...how screwed up is that?

I posted a link to it on Facebook and a friend commented, "This guy is severely fucked." Another friend added, "Most likely in public rest stops." And I had to laugh about that, because maybe it just is another Ted Haggard situation. In the video, he says, "Can you imagine kissing another man?" And I have to think, maybe he was imagining it right when he said that.

Who knows, right?

But that's the point. Don't judge when you don't know what is going on with someone, going on inside of them, in their mind. That's where this guy should have started, and instead he had to go on and on about the Bible and how wrong this is and blah blah blah. And now that he's said that, I don't think we have an obligation to not judge him because we don't know what is going on inside of him. We don't know what's going on inside of him, but we know what he let OUT of him. We choose the things we say...Unless we have Tourrettes.

He has the right to freedom of speech, but this is hate speech. And in Canada, and other countries, this is illegal. But in the U.S. of A, you can say whatever you want! You don't have to take responsibility for what you say! But you can if you want, I guess.

Sorry, but that is one thing about the US that I just can't wrap my head around anymore. I don't want this to turn into a big US bashing post. There are still things I love about the US, but this kind of thing is just going too far.

Good thing that even if politicians are against gay marriage, they're probably NOT going to put LGBTQ (us) people in a big electric fence and drop food from airplanes once in a while. Some politicians are sick, but I don't think they're that sick.

Wait a minute...That's probably what people said about Hitler, and look what happened...Well, crap. There goes that.

I have no faith in the world anymore. *Headdesk*